Are you in the queue for the f*cking cashpoint or not?

By cashpoint user Nathan Muir

WE’VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.

You’re just minding your own business. And yet, it seems, you have questions to answer. 

You’ve managed to situate yourself just far enough away that it’s not clear if you want to take money out or you’re some sort of suspicious loiterer. 

Irritation is growing against you. You’re buried deep in the contents of your phone and two loud ‘harrumphs’ have failed to alert you to the discomfiture of your fellow queuers.

Are you in the queue? Or are you hovering about waiting for something, maybe a male or female prostitute of some kind who uses the HSBC cashpoint as a location to turn tricks?

Finally people are forced to ask. At this point you try three cards and after being rejected for £100, £50 and £30, eventually withdraw £10.

You take ages faffing about. And still they can’t be sure – were you in the f*cking queue or not?

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Man on date prolonging goodbye in the hope of a snog

A MAN was hoping he might get a kiss if he prolonged parting company after a date, although the moment had definitely passed.

Office worker Tom Logan had failed to kiss Nikki Hollis after a drink in the pub, and hoped the chance might somehow come back if he took ages saying goodbye.

Logan said: “I’m sure there was a possibility of a kiss earlier but I missed it, I think. So I walked her to the station in the hope of rekindling the possibility of romance.

“To be honest I could feel my chances slipping away because in my panic I kept saying boring stuff like ‘What time d’you have to get up for work?’ and asking what the trains were like in this area.

“Finally she said ‘Sorry, I’ve got to go or I’ll miss my train’. Maybe next time I’ll just say ‘D’you want a snog?’. I’m sure that’s got to be better than telling her about my parents’ dead cat.”

Hollis said: “I’d considered kissing Tom but I’m not sure I want to go out with someone with such an obsessive interest in office hours and regional train services.”