Seven ways they'll cancel Christmas again, by a right-wing bellend

By Roy Hobbs

CHRISTMAS – remember that? But now it keeps getting cancelled by the woke brigade. Makes you choke on your turkey, except you’re not allowed that unless it’s halal.

Nativities cancelled so as not to offend minorities

What’s their problem? Just because Jesus happened to be a white Christian, we’re supposed to apologise? I suppose next they’ll be banning Lego because the Taliban think it’s blasphemous.

Health and safety regulations I’ve just made up

It’s probably illegal to go sledging in case you crash into someone in a wheelchair. And sorry, kids, no presents this year. Parking reindeer on a roof is a breach of local government ordinance 116, paragraph D, subsection vii. Yes, that’s a tired old joke but I’m still f**king furious about it.

Multi-faith decorations

You’ll have to have Satan on top of your tree to pander to Devil-worshippers. Unbelievable.

Calling it Winterval or somesuch

This is compulsory everywhere now. What next? Calling it ‘Transsexual Hare Krishna Vegan Work-free Non-judgemental Time Period’? That doesn’t even make sense.

Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ replaced with verses from the Koran

Out go traditional Christian lyrics about granny rock and rollin’ with the rest, in with ridiculous Islamic ideas about virgins and the Angel Gabriel.

White Christmas to be replaced by colour-neutral Christmas

The snowflakes – by which I mean the local Labour council, not proper snowflakes – will spray the snow a different colour in case it’s too white. And Bing Crosby would turn in his grave if he knew the radio will change it to ‘I’m dreaming of a pale orange Christmas’.

Corner shops to stay open on Christmas Day

While traditional British supermarkets like Asda close for a matter of hours, you can bet corner shops won’t. Okay, last year when we ran out of Paxo, it was a godsend Mr Aziz being open. And the mustard too. And batteries. But it’s still sickening double standards.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Five cliches that never actually happen at office Christmas parties

OFFICE Christmas parties are mundane procedures devoid of fun, famous for debauched antics that never, ever happen in real life:

Arse photocopying

Somehow photocopying reams of paper with an image of a bum is accepted as a given, even though you’d be fired on the spot the second you were found with your sweaty buttocks pressed against the glass. Plus as any office worker knows, photocopying is never straightforward. You’d have to get Janice who sits near it to help.

A fumble in the supply cupboard

Snogging your office crush under the mistletoe and popping to the supply cupboard for a quick grope is a workplace fantasy that is never realised. Because they don’t fancy you and because the supply cupboard’s firmly locked.

A triumphant confrontation with your boss

After cashing in both their free beer tokens, every employee plans to use that Dutch courage to tell their boss what they really think of them. In reality a few free drinks and your pathetic loyalty is bought for another year. Instead, you’ll bitch on emails that will eventually be used as leverage by HR during a restructuring process.

The blossoming of the office wallflower

For the last year you’ve made no impression as you timidly go about your boring duties. All that will change at the Christmas party though as you take of your glasses and tear up the dance floor, right? No. Instead, you’ll be ignored and the next day you’ll be asked why you weren’t there.

Anyone having the faintest glimmer of fun

Even if your company books a fancy venue and hires fire-breathing acrobats, the office Christmas party will still be a painfully uncomfortable evening full of people who would rather be anywhere else. If they want to reward you they should gift you a Domino’s voucher and let you stay at home, alone.

Next story ›