PUBS are full of twats at the best of times. But at Christmas they’re filled with a special range of festive idiots, including these.
Work night out twats
These aren’t the average work night out twats you run into every Friday night. These are work night out twats on the cusp of a couple of weeks off and possibly fuelled by a Christmas bonus. That means they’ll all be at least triple-parked and blind drunk from the second you walk in. Expect them to either hit on you or puke on you.
You thought your humble town had got rid of all its snooty academic types. Sadly not. They’ve boomeranged back home for the Christmas holidays, and have come armed with progressive world views they can’t wait to bore you with. Put them in their place by asking how many rounds they can afford with their student loan.
Old school friend twat
You drifted apart because you have nothing in common. But now fate and the obligation to visit your parents over Christmas have reunited you in your local. Steel yourself for lengthy conversations about a time you would rather forget with a person you don’t really know. Alternatively, get them to piss off by bringing up that embarrassing thing they did on the year 11 war graves trip.
Distant family member twat
Are they a second cousin or a step-nephew? It’s hard to tell. But they recognise you and are locking you into a deep, lengthy chat about the family. They might even invite you round for drinks on Boxing Day, which would force you into admitting that you’re not sure how you are related. Just nod along and pray they don’t invite themselves back to yours for a nightcap.
Pissed on mulled wine twat
To the untrained eye these are the same as regular wine twats. Look again. They reek of spice and are crowded around the simmering cauldron of Christmas plonk on the bar, thereby rendering it inaccessible. They’ve drunk twice the amount they usually would as, they insist, ‘the alcohol cooks off’. This is not true, as the gallons of red vomit they’ll produce in the pub garden later will prove.
Full of Christmas cheer twat
You just wanted a quiet pint of bitter but no, that’s impossible at this time of year. Instead you’ll have to endure the company of an optimistic twat banging on about the spirit of Christmas and wishing peace to all men. Sure, they’re cheerful now, but give it a few hours and their hangover will make them as miserable as you.