Six of the most annoying Christmas pub twats

PUBS are full of twats at the best of times. But at Christmas they’re filled with a special range of festive idiots, including these.

Work night out twats

These aren’t the average work night out twats you run into every Friday night. These are work night out twats on the cusp of a couple of weeks off and possibly fuelled by a Christmas bonus. That means they’ll all be at least triple-parked and blind drunk from the second you walk in. Expect them to either hit on you or puke on you.

Student twat

You thought your humble town had got rid of all its snooty academic types. Sadly not. They’ve boomeranged back home for the Christmas holidays, and have come armed with progressive world views they can’t wait to bore you with. Put them in their place by asking how many rounds they can afford with their student loan.

Old school friend twat

You drifted apart because you have nothing in common. But now fate and the obligation to visit your parents over Christmas have reunited you in your local. Steel yourself for lengthy conversations about a time you would rather forget with a person you don’t really know. Alternatively, get them to piss off by bringing up that embarrassing thing they did on the year 11 war graves trip.

Distant family member twat

Are they a second cousin or a step-nephew? It’s hard to tell. But they recognise you and are locking you into a deep, lengthy chat about the family. They might even invite you round for drinks on Boxing Day, which would force you into admitting that you’re not sure how you are related. Just nod along and pray they don’t invite themselves back to yours for a nightcap.

Pissed on mulled wine twat

To the untrained eye these are the same as regular wine twats. Look again. They reek of spice and are crowded around the simmering cauldron of Christmas plonk on the bar, thereby rendering it inaccessible. They’ve drunk twice the amount they usually would as, they insist, ‘the alcohol cooks off’. This is not true, as the gallons of red vomit they’ll produce in the pub garden later will prove.

Full of Christmas cheer twat

You just wanted a quiet pint of bitter but no, that’s impossible at this time of year. Instead you’ll have to endure the company of an optimistic twat banging on about the spirit of Christmas and wishing peace to all men. Sure, they’re cheerful now, but give it a few hours and their hangover will make them as miserable as you.

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I watch 18 certificate films and stay up until midnight: The lies you told gullible babysitters

WERE you ever looked after by a babysitter who was barely older than you? Here are all the ways you took advantage of their naivety.

I watch 18 certificate films

Convincing your babysitter that you were a sophisticated cinephile who watched films like Se7en every other day, rather than a terrified 12-year-old who’d never watched anything scarier than Hocus Pocus, seemed like a no-brainer. Until they put on Child’s Play 3 and you spent the next three months having to sleep with the light on.

I’m allowed a beer

The only person more prone to making terrible decisions than a 14-year-old is a 16-year-old, and one of those was blithely accepting that your parents let you drink Stella on a regular basis. It was warm, tasted horrible and made you feel sick, but gave you real kudos when you told your mates at school the next day.

I stay up until midnight

Bedtime? What’s that? Your parents were far too cool to demand you be in bed with the lights off by 8.30 pm or you won’t get any pocket money. Your babysitter unquestioningly accepted that rubbish and allowed you to stay up until midnight. Unfortunately it was the 90s and the only things on telly were the news or a documentary about steam railways, but you saw it as a win nonetheless.

I don’t have to brush my teeth

Given that it was only two minutes out of your day, getting away with not brushing your teeth was a strangely big victory. The babysitter couldn’t give a toss whether you did it or not and your parents never found out, so you’re the only one who regrets it now as you sit in the dentist’s chair having yet another painful root canal filling done.

I eat crisps for dinner

Crisps are potatoes, potatoes are a vegetable, and you need five fruit or vegetables a day. Therefore, five packets of crisps are a more than adequate dinner for a growing child. You thought you’d played a clever trick on the dopey babysitter, but she didn’t care what you ate, given that she was half cut from having a sip out of every bottle in the drinks cabinet.