WITH mistletoe smooches now permitted, unattractive people are fast running out of reasons for not kissing.
The nation’s undesirable Morlocks have been left scrambling for excuses why they will not be kissing this Christmas after Sajid Javid told the public they are free to snog who they wish.
Solid three out of 10 Helen Archer said: “Us uggos had it easy last year, we could just pin our festive dry spell on the social restrictions. In comparison this Christmas will be the sexually abstinent death march we’ve come to dread.
“A group of us are currently workshopping plausible excuses for not locking lips but none of them sound convincing. Nobody will believe we’ve got a partner waiting back at home, and protests that our mouths are too dry will be laughed out of the room.
“It’s not like we can seduce people with our dazzling personalities either. Years of being grimaced at has turned us into cantankerous crones with no appealing qualities. We still have needs though, horrific sexual needs.
“The only sensible solution is that all us ugly people make out with each other. But none of us want to do that because we’d much rather canoodle with hotties.”