THE prime minister has promised that his weekend residence will be open to the general public for a mass UK Christmas piss-up in December.
Following criticism that he and his pals were laughing it up at Number 10 in 2020 while the public was isolated from loved ones, Boris Johnson has made a desperate bid for popularity by inviting everyone back to his.
Johnson said: “This isn’t one of those idiotic, reckless promises I make to bail myself out of a jam when everything’s gone tits-up.
“Chequers is a jolly big place with world-class cellars and however many Brits turn up there’ll be plenty of chairs and tables. Just don’t steal the ashtrays. Actually do what you want, I’ll be wankered and pissing in a fountain.
“Of course, masks will be absolutely mandatory except when chinwagging and quaffing, or breathing in general.”
Sceptics, including Labour leader Keir Starmer, have expressed doubts that Chequers will be able to cope with an influx of 40 million shitfaced Britons.
Johnson said: “It’s typical of Captain Hindsight and his friends to do Britain down and suggest we can’t get this piss-up done.”
In the last hour, a statement of clarification has been issued by Downing Street: “The Chequers Christmas party will be by invitation only to select cronies and members of the public should f**k off home.”