All back to Chequers for the piss-up of the year, roars Johnson

THE prime minister has promised that his weekend residence will be open to the general public for a mass UK Christmas piss-up in December.

Following criticism that he and his pals were laughing it up at Number 10 in 2020 while the public was isolated from loved ones, Boris Johnson has made a desperate bid for popularity by inviting everyone back to his.

Johnson said: “This isn’t one of those idiotic, reckless promises I make to bail myself out of a jam when everything’s gone tits-up.

“Chequers is a jolly big place with world-class cellars and however many Brits turn up there’ll be plenty of chairs and tables. Just don’t steal the ashtrays. Actually do what you want, I’ll be wankered and pissing in a fountain.

“Of course, masks will be absolutely mandatory except when chinwagging and quaffing, or breathing in general.”

Sceptics, including Labour leader Keir Starmer, have expressed doubts that Chequers will be able to cope with an influx of 40 million shitfaced Britons.

Johnson said: “It’s typical of Captain Hindsight and his friends to do Britain down and suggest we can’t get this piss-up done.”

In the last hour, a statement of clarification has been issued by Downing Street: “The Chequers Christmas party will be by invitation only to select cronies and members of the public should f**k off home.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

FREE! Your Daily Mail special all-invective 48-page Meghan Markle hatred souvenir colour special

YES, free with today’s Daily Mail! – a 48-page colour special of Meghan Markle loathing to keep and treasure forever!

To go with your Royal Wedding, Royal Baby and Isn’t Kate Just Marvellous supplements, our writers have produced a new special containing full-spectrum hatred of the Duchess of Sussex from every angle. 

Published to commemorate the evil cow’s pyrrhic victory over our newspaper in court for which she will pay dearly, the special can be kept in your sideboard and leafed through to remind you how monstrous she is. 

The hatred includes: 

● Stephen Glover, writing about how despotic Meghan has crushed press freedom forever and is the new Stalin

● Royal correspondent Rebecca English, blaming Megan for the death of Prince Philip, the Queen’s frailty and the paedophile charges against Prince Andrew

● Sarah Vine, discussing how happy Harry will be when he dumps the vain Hollywood egotist and marries a nice English girl the tabloids approve of

● Piers Morgan launching into the same unhinged rant about Princess Pinocchio that boils down to him being ghosted by her after one drink five years ago

With this supplement you’ll be able to treasure your loathing of Meghan and hold it close to your heart until it becomes warped and twisted, just like we have. Includes a packet of free seeds.