Weird Christmas traditions your in-laws think are totally normal

EVERYONE does Christmas differently, but some in-laws really push the f**king envelope. Here are some of their bizarre traditions to expect.

Attending midnight mass

Your in-laws will drag you to some dreary service in the dead of night that lasts forever. When you politely ask if you can sit it out this year they will look at you as if you’ve suggested sacrificing a goat to Beelzebub instead. Strangely, they’re not even religious, the hypocrites. 

Playing historical parlour games

Now that everyone’s discovered the joy of Settlers of Catan your in-laws have been forced to try something more obscure and middle class. Bad enough if it’s some Victorian game like ‘wink murder’. Infinitely worse if they’ve gone full Elizabethan and make you wear a jester’s hat as they throw a ball at you. 

Carol singing

When your in-laws ask if you want to go door-to-door singing carols you’ll sarcastically say “Yeah definitely!” because they’re clearly joking, right? Sadly not. Very strange relatives will lend you a costume, or traditional choir singing robes. Even weirder if they call it ‘wassailing’.

Telling impenetrable family anecdotes

Thanks to their reliance on baffling in-jokes and references, these anecdotes will only make sense to blood relatives. To you it will sound as nonsensical as Charlie Brown’s teacher, but it’s best just to laugh along if you want to stay for Christmas dinner.

Swimming in the sea

For your extended family, Christmas isn’t Christmas unless somebody comes down with pneumonia. As you dash into the freezing water you will briefly consider swimming off into the horizon because it’s probably less agonising than spending another Christmas with them.

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Politics not a game, says man cosplaying as Edwardian slumlord

A MAN who dresses as an Edwardian grandee in an outpost of the Empire has told Unicef to stop playing at politics.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, who since childhood has awoken in a four-poster bed, urinated in a chamber pot and dressed as Bonar Law, castigated the international charity for naively believing starving children should be fed. 

Rees-Mogg, who named his child Sextus, said: “The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is not a joke. Why would you think we were? 

“Those children need to be hungry if they’re to toil in my Lambeth boot-blacking factory post-Brexit. And plump ones will simply get stuck in the machinery in cotton mills.

“Aid? To the British Empire? Does Unicef not realise we are the heart of a mighty free-trade Commonwealth stretching from Land’s End to John O’Groats?

“A Scotsman seized the parliamentary mace in the Palace of Westminster the other day. He was banished for it. That’s how serious politics is in these isles.” 

The prime minister was unable to comment on the row, due to being too busy playing at having talks with the EU.