Woman desperate for 'normal' Christmas forgetting the bit where she hides in the bathroom for an hour

A WOMAN who claims she is desperate to spend time with her extended family this year has forgotten that she usually hides in the bathroom drinking wine.

Donna Sheridan, 36, is making a huge fuss about her family Christmas being ‘stolen’ from her, even though she normally starts bitterly complaining about it in October.

Sheridan’s sister Clare said: “Donna hates spending Christmas at our parents’ house with my husband and kids. She tells us every year.

“She spends Christmas morning whining about having to help make dinner, complains we always eat too late and starts glugging the wine before shutting herself in the bathroom because the kids are ‘doing her head in’.

“You’d think she’d be glad to get out of it this year and spend the day chilling at home with a takeaway like she always says she wants to.”

Sheridan said: “I’ve got so many treasured memories of family Christmases and now this damn virus and the government have taken it away from me.

“For the record, I was only in the bathroom for 45 minutes last Christmas day and, whatever Clare says, I did not ruin Trivial Pursuit by acting like a pathetic, sulky little cow.” 

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Sir, you have angered Kent

THE county of Kent has informed Boris Johnson that he has aroused its wrath and must therefore relinquish his position. 

The announcement of the new tiers, with picturesque Kent villages placed in Tier 3 due to no more than a handful of miscreants, has forced the county’s hand. 

Alderman of Kent Denys Finch Hatton said: “We’ve been bracketed with Manchester. With Newcastle. With Slough. Mister Johnson, this will not stand. 

“Sir, a libertine and a liar you may be, but you are of the right stock so your excesses have been tolerated until now. But Kent? What were you thinking, man? 

“Do what you will to London. Surrey, and even Suffolk, are their own affair. The Garden of England, however, will not be besmirched by a mere mountebank. 

“I advise you to have your valise packed by the front door of Number 10. And if you fail to do right by our county, you will be ejected forthwith. 

“Come New Year’s Day I and the Ashford Valley Tickham Hunt shall mount up, ride out and see you torn apart by our hounds. It is no less than what you have earned.”