'I'll tell my dad on you', and other playground rules for grown-ups

YOU’RE probably glad the brutal days of the playground are long gone. But could playground rules be handy in adult life? Here are some classic childhood phrases to try.

‘I know you are, but what am I?’

Have you f**ked up at work and your boss is accusing you of being ‘incompetent’? Use this classic rejoinder and repeat as necessary. You may appear childish but will have deflected the blame and won this latest bout of office dick-waving.

‘Itchy chin’ (also ‘Jimmy Hill’, ‘Jimmy chin’ and ‘Chinny reckon’)

Try any of the myriad regional variations of this enduring 80s bon mot, which means someone is fibbing. Do you suspect Rob from IT is spinning a line about how long reconfiguring the data centre will take? Unleash ‘Chinny reckon’ and he’ll be telling the truth in no time.

‘Heads I win, tails you lose’

In a domestic setting, are you faced with an impasse such as deciding who goes to the supermarket or takes the bins out? This mind trick of near-Jedi proportions will see you right every time. It does depend on your partner being a gormless twat, so it’s not totally win-win.

‘I’ll tell my dad on you’

Confronted by an angry driver after scraping his car in the Tesco car park? The doubt sown by the possibility that your dad – actually 80 years old with chronic COPD – might get involved could give you enough time to get the f**k out of there without your assailant taking a note of your number plate.

‘My dad’s bigger than your dad’

You’re having a dispute with your neighbour after he damaged your fence and he’s telling his dad (see above). But you can trump it with this threat, until the physical state of both your dads becomes apparent. Maybe you should deal with this like grown-ups? Yes. Although your neighbour is still a big poop face.

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Five reasons why Brexit chaos will be your fault, Brexiters

WITH Brexit likely to bring hardship and disruption, the obvious people to blame are the EU and Remoaners. But could it actually be the fault of Leave voters? Here’s why.

You didn’t like the idea of Belgian bureaucrats fiddling with our bananas

Which was actually dull legislation for food retailers similar to that which makes the vegetables in Asda look appealing and not like little gnarled goblins. Bananas of any shape will now be available, but don’t plan on buying any because they’ll have rotted in a lorry.

You thought the EU was holding back British spunk and enterprise

It’s interesting that typical Brexiters show zero enterprise, but then if you can’t even explain what you DID vote for, your chances of being the next Steve Jobs are small. Oh well, your kids will enjoy the exciting career choices of fruit-picking or remote-working from a call centre in Delhi.

Your brains literally shrank from reading The Daily Mail

This has not been 100 per cent scientifically proven, but it seems likely that too much Mail/Express/Telegraph nonsense causes your brain to atrophy to the size and density of an ossified walnut. 

You thought leaving the EU meant we could immediately deport all of ‘them’

We all know what ‘Taking back control’ means really, don’t we? Droning on about ‘sovereignty’ must be the most complicated way of saying ‘There’s too many foreigns’ in human history.

You looked at Nigel Farage and Mark Francois and alarm bells were not immediately ringing

The likes of Farage, Arron Banks, Francois, Alexander Johnson et al immediately scream ‘dodgy grifters’ to anyone with an IQ above 80. How do you manage to clamber in and out of your trousers and dresses every day?