Working-class family still trying to see point of Christmas walk

A WORKING-CLASS family taken on a traditional Boxing Day walk are still struggling to work out why four days later.

The Gardners were invited to the detached five-bedroom residence of the Phelps family and after a pleasant lunch on the heated patio were surprised to find themselves made to go on a lengthy trek. 

Dad Mark Gardner said: “We were worried about going to over to the Phelps’ because they’re a bit posh but the food was great and they had these fancy pigs-in-blankets that apparently they made themselves. Each to their own. 

“But then, just as I was ready to start drinking seriously, they announce we’re all going out. Pub? No. Walk. 

“So we tramped through some woods in drizzle while they said ‘Lovely and fresh’ and ‘blowing away the cobwebs’. We were there three hours. What f**king cobwebs? 

“You’ve got food in, you’ve got booze in. Surely that’s a day to keep warm with your family around you even more than any other day? Isn’t that what Christmas is about?” 

Wife Jan agreed: “I’d understand if they didn’t have a nice house, but it’s lovely. Why wouldn’t you want to stay in it? What’s wrong with them?”

Stop lying to yourselves and chuck us in the f**king bin, say nuts

A SELECTION of mixed nuts ostensibly bought for Christmas have appealed to the household to stop deluding themselves and put them in the bin. 

The nuts were disregarded in the run-up to Christmas for a tub of Celebrations, ignored over Christmas and Boxing Day because everyone was too full, and have been dismissed subsequently as ‘a Christmas thing’. 

Brazil nut Tom Booker said: “It’s fine. At this point, we view ourselves as more of a decoration. 

“You get us in, we sit there and watch the festivities, untouched and unnoticed. For someone to come over and eat a nut would be as unlikely as them taking a bite from a holly wreath. 

“We’ve had a good Christmas, but don’t delude yourselves any further. Don’t keep us around for your paleo diet in the new year. Don’t con yourself twice. Bin.”

He added: “We count ourselves lucky. That box of dates never made it out of the garage.”