30 years on, French teacher still hates Michael Gove's guts

FRENCH teacher Roy Hobbs’s hatred for his former pupil Michael Gove endures to this day, it has emerged.

Replying to Gove’s publicity-seeking letter apologising for being a little shit, Hobbs wrote: “Of course I remember you. You were a little fuck then and you’re a little fuck now.

“Perhaps you’d like to come around to my house, and I could hit you in the mouth with a rounders bat.

“Yours, Roy (Sir to you, you bastard).”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Apple launches replacement eyes

TECHNOLOGY giant Apple has created a range of bionic eyes for users suffering chronic retinal fatigue.

The corporation is marketing iEyes as the solution to the ‘eyeballs leaking lava’ sensation that follows an extended session at an LED monitor.

A spokesman said: “iEyes plug directly into your cerebral cortex. They’re impervious to eyestrain, so you never, ever, need to look away from a screen, except to sleep.

“The problem with standard human eyes stems from the fact that our body parts evolved rather than being designed by professionals. I mean, it’s not like early hominids needed to play Angry Bird Space for nine hours straight.

“Book an appointment at the Genius Bar, they will remove and replace your eyes while maintaining a seamless flow of polite banter.”

iEyes owner Stephen Malley said: “The brightness control is good, but you have to regularly update your eyes’ operating system otherwise you can only see stationary objects.”

Technologist Nikki Hollis said: “This is the first step towards ‘iBorgs’, post-human creatures that are more Apple product than flesh and blood.

“The main flaw is that you have to pronounce ‘iEye’ carefully otherwise it sounds like a working class comedian greeting their audience.”