Children should stop being so stupid, says Gove

Education secretary orders schools to make children 32 per cent cleverer.

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Osborne to ring-fence part of your brain

GEORGE Osborne is to ring-fence the part of your brain that does not want to spend money on loads of stuff.

The chancellor said the sensible bit of your brain had to be protected from the bit that wants a tablet computer, an espresso machine and the £50 cable that connects them together for no reason.

In his annual Mansion House speech Mr Osborne will set out plans to build a tiny fence inside your head patrolled by teeny weeny Dobermans.

A Treasury spokesman said: “If a greedy, stupid thought tries to sneak across the fence and ask the sensible part of your brain for £300 to buy an iPod docking station that will look great in your shower room, then the tiny little Dobermans will catch it and rip its arms off.

“This no-nonsense approach will mean you will only ever do responsible, grown-up things such as buy a £300 iPod docking station for your breakfast nook where it belongs.”

The spokesman added: “All we have to do now is work out how to shrink the fencing materials, the fence builders and the Dobermans and then inject them into your brain.

“We’ll then have to work out a way of getting the fence builders back out again before they return to their normal size and things get very bloody.

“There is currently a very intense debate within the Treasury about whether we copy the science from Fantastic Voyage starring Raquel Welch or Innerspace starring Dennis Quaid.

“Luckily they both worked really well, so we can’t go wrong.”