If Kinnock gets his way would the last person to leave Britain please kick him in the nuts?

Unmitigated failure calls for regulation to ensure ‘balanced press’ and concentration camps.


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Daily Mail hacks into the voices in my head, says Dacre

THE Daily Mail has only ever hacked into the voices inside Paul Dacre’s head, the paper’s editor confirmed yesterday.

Dacre denied the Daily Mail hacked mobile phones insisting he filled his newspaper by listening into conversations between at least two of his personalities.

Dacre told the Commons culture, media and sport committee: “There’s ‘Wayne’, who’s a builder with two children who thinks naked breasts are wonderful, natural things and then there is ‘Bill’, who lives with his mother and her cats and does not like breasts or homosexuals.

“Sometimes they will be joined by ‘Margaret’ who is a retired school teacher who is sick and tired of queuing behind Pakistanis at the chemist. Margaret and I often play Yahtzee together.

“And then I masturbate myself as hard as I can.”

When asked if his paper would ever consider using illegal means to pursue stories, Dacre asked the committee if they were referring to the 2006 Racial and Religious Hatred Act.

He said: “Nevertheless I do suspect Melanie Phillips found out about the 500,000-student all-gay mega-university in Carlisle by getting her owl to stick an electric straw up Vince Cable’s nose while he was napping.”

Dacre also revealed that the computers and mobiles of Daily Mail journalists are not connected to anything and the paper stopped having any communication with the outside world in 1978.

He added: “Last week I did see Jan Moir take off her shoe, dial some invisible numbers and then hold it to her ear and scream abuse at Graham Norton. She went on for 45 minutes.”