Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The motivational sign on the wall of your gym says “NOTHING is impossible” but this is proven wrong when you try to cancel your membership.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your search for the fifth element leads you to the substance that is often stuffed into pizza crusts.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Thanks to your OCD levels of food shopping, your fridge is less somewhere future meals are stored and more a retirement home where fruit and veg can live out the end of their natural lives.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A slapped face and a restraining order remind you that the title of Lorraine Pascal’s show Lorraine’s Fast, Fresh & Easy has the word Food on the end.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, why not add extra gravitas to your argument by using terms like ‘sheeple’, ‘Tony Bliar’ and ‘Illuminati’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After wondering where your friend has been for the last eighteen months, you break into his flat and see that he looked up ‘Google’ on Wikipedia and was caught in a self-perpetuating vortex.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You are kicked off your English course this week during the Oscar Wilde module for suggesting that Lord Alfred ‘Bosie’ Douglas was a fuckwit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An awkward silence at the séance as the medium gets through to your grandmother, who wants your granddad to know she doesn’t blame him for not checking whether the vibrating love egg was properly earthed.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news from Hollywood about the film script you wrote about a guy who doesn’t realise he’s actually a crack chocolatier, The Bourneville Legacy.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After shouting out “Meal!” all night at a Paul Simon gig, you’re quietly told what the title of his 80s hit actually was.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A shift into the third quadrant of your sun house in the second phase of the equinox will mean the planetary influence of Mercu…look, the race is at 2.30, it’s a ten minute walk to the bookies, can we wrap this up?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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