Low standards key to a good sex life

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

Inner beauty is also not a factor

The Institute for Studies found that men who sought out exciting sex with attractive partners had much less intercourse than those whose goal was merely to empty their seminal glands into anyone.

Similarly, women who expected romantic evenings followed by considerate lovemaking had considerably less sex than those who opted for copulation in a nightclub toilet to the sounds of DJ Otzi and the person in the next cubicle having a shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research showed that a desire for enjoyable sex led to less sex, or even no sex at all. This is what scientists refer to as the Munter’s Paradox.

“Conversely, showing no discernment whatsoever can lead to an extremely active sex life with a large variety of partners, if you can keep your dinner down.”

Professor Brubaker said that to enjoy the fullest possible sex life, men and women also needed to overcome their aversion to repellent personalities.

He said: “To maximize sexual opportunities we must be willing to overlook behavior such as fart-smelling, the use of the term ‘Paki shop’ and being Edwina Currie.

“However, in extreme cases a potential sexual partner can cross what we call the ‘Kyle Threshold’, whereby gross obesity, intense stupidity and a seemingly random placement of teeth makes any form of sexual attraction impossible.”

Anthropologist Tom Logan said: “Mankind is torn between the primal urge to reproduce and societally established norms of attractiveness, which is probably why I did that girl at Ritzy’s who looked like Ricky Gervais with tits.”