Parade to celebrate victorious Boris

BORIS Johnson is to be carried through London on a golden sedan chair carried by Bradley Wiggins, Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ellie Simmonds.

Thousands of adoring fans will throng the streets of the capital at this Saturday’s Boris Parade, paying homage to the man who has become the poster boy of the Olympics.

The parade will last for four hours in total as Johnson is carried on foot from Stratford to Buckingham Palace. Concerns have been expressed that the athletes selected to carry him may find the route tough going.

Lord Coe, however, said, “This is what they’ve trained for. All those miles, all that weight training – for this.

“The important thing is that none of the Boris bearers rupture themselves and in doing so drop Boris and damage him.

“They have been uplifted and inspired by his success, which shows that, whether you went to Oxford or Cambridge, you too might like to have a bash at being Mayor for a bit.”

When the parade reaches the Mall, Johnson will be piggybacked the last 500 yards to the Palace by Sir Chris Hoy.

Johnson was marked out for Olympic glory in his student days, when he coxed for his college.

He endeared himself to spectators by bringing a hamper of tuck with him onto the boat, tucking into chicken legs as he exhorted his crewmates to greater efforts for college and country.



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iPhone 5 to constantly change shape

APPLE’S latest iPhone will feature shape-shifting technology and can become anything from a mountain to a large pig.

The announcement explains wildly inconsistent online photos – of everything from a conventional smartphone, to a fleshy green fruit and a flock of geese – all purporting to show the device.

An Apple spokesman said: “All the images are genuine, even the one where it looks like a a busload of Scouts.

“Thanks to cutting-edge technology smashing the laws of physics, the iPhone 5 will constantly shift on a molecular level – becoming big things, small things, inanimate objects and animals.

“These transformations will happen completely at random and without warning, so that no one can copy the design.

“We were basically inspired by the notion of God as something that doesn’t have a defined shape, but is more of a spiritual energy. Also we watched John Carpenter’s film The Thing.”

Marketing consultant Emma Bradford said: “Not giving the iPhone 5 a fixed form is a shrewd business move. I mean, how do you copy something that is everything?

“That said, someone could sell you a stale potato claiming it was an iPhone 5 and you could never prove otherwise.”

Apple devotee Tom Logan said: “It sounds kind of impractical. What if I’m walking with my new iPhone in my pocket, and it suddenly changes into a raging water buffalo?

“Or it assumes the form of my former girlfriend and makes me fall in love, with tragic consequences?

“Is it even a phone? Or some sort of strange new intelligence that might decide to kill me and marry my wife? I’m confused.

“Of course I’ll still buy it, whatever.”