OSCAR Pistorius’ complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.
Paralympics organisers believe the realistic hooves will end squabbles about other types of prosthetics conferring unfair advantages.
They will also make runners look like the Greek half-goat god Pan, in a nod to the Olympics’ classical origins.
A Paralympics spokesman said: “We’ve taken on board Pistorius’ feedback, and are banning non-hoofy leg prosthetics.
“Besides them making a satisfying ‘clop’ sound, we love the concept of Pan the virile man-goat, who was always sprinting away from angry villagers whose daughters he had shagged.
“Maybe he could be the next Paralympics mascot? Clearly it would be a vast improvement on those ‘Wedlock and Mandeville’ things that look like a pair of giant teeth.
“Athletes will be encouraged to wear hairy ‘pretend fawn legs’, grow short pointy beards and play flutes. The Paralympics isn’t about doing things half-heartedly.”
Paralympics sprinter Roy Hobbs said: “This all sounds weird and vaguely perverted. Which I am into because I actually love shagging.
“Although the media was completely obsessed with Olympians’ sex lives, the Paralympians bedroom habits don’t get a look in, which seems a strange double standard.
“I’m definitely looking forward to doing it with some nymphs. Can we also have a pretend mystical ‘love dell’ backstage at the stadium?”