Hooves to ensure fairness in Paralympic sprinting

OSCAR Pistorius’ complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

Paralympics organisers believe the realistic hooves will end squabbles about other types of prosthetics conferring unfair advantages.

They will also make runners look like the Greek half-goat god Pan, in a nod to the Olympics’ classical origins.

A Paralympics spokesman said: “We’ve taken on board Pistorius’ feedback, and are banning non-hoofy leg prosthetics.

“Besides them making a satisfying ‘clop’ sound, we love the concept of Pan the virile man-goat, who was always sprinting away from angry villagers whose daughters he had shagged.

“Maybe he could be the next Paralympics mascot? Clearly it would be a vast improvement on those ‘Wedlock and Mandeville’ things that look like a pair of giant teeth.

“Athletes will be encouraged to wear hairy ‘pretend fawn legs’, grow short pointy beards and play flutes. The Paralympics isn’t about doing things half-heartedly.”

Paralympics sprinter Roy Hobbs said: “This all sounds weird and vaguely perverted. Which I am into because I actually love shagging.

“Although the media was completely obsessed with Olympians’ sex lives, the Paralympians bedroom habits don’t get a look in, which seems a strange double standard.

“I’m definitely looking forward to doing it with some nymphs. Can we also have a pretend mystical ‘love dell’ backstage at the stadium?”



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People say women shouldn't involve themselves in politics because it never ends well

One Woman’s Week, with Karen Fenessey
The last time four young Russian women tore up the rulebook and rocked the world was during the Olympic gymnastics finals.

Who can forget the superhuman performances of floor champion Viktora Komova or ‘Queen of the Bars’ Aliya Mustafina?

Sadly, Pussy Riot are more like Queen of the Behind Bars. And let me assure you from personal experience, it’s not so easy to do three roly-polies in a row across a 4x6ft cell, especially when wearing a scratchy nylon balaclava.

People say women shouldn’t involve themselves in politics because they invariably end up in prison. But I don’t see Madonna doing massive tweets about mischievous galah, Julian Assange.

Confined to the embassy, Julian’s daily pleasures are reduced to high scores on Bejewelled Blitz and the occasional terse memo from the Ecuadorian tourist board about his posting Tumblr pictures of the lacklustre canteen lunches.

Assange could take some tips from the Russian girls on getting pop stars to notice him. Even without a vagina he could inject a bit of pop cultural razzle dazzle into his polemic.

Perhaps the next time he wants to address the world from a South American balcony, he could spice things up with some deafening feedback, jerky movements and a rendition of Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.

He could also make use of interesting head decoration. Julian is lucky to have a blank canvas regarding hair and I’m sure any old Ecuadorion lacky could nip to Boots for some Nice n Easy.

I would recommend fiery ginger like the guy out of Homeland and Mick Hucknell: when he sings, people really listen – and it will definitely make the FBI think twice before pulling the trigger.