'Juéshì' is Chinese for 'sir'

Europeans to learn a series of handy phrases including, ‘I am decadent scum not worthy of your inspiring leadership’ (Wǒ tuífèi de bàilèi bù zhídé nǐ de gǔwǔ rénxīn de lǐngdǎo) and ‘please may I have some more boiled guinea pig meat, oh wise and mighty overlord?’ (Qǐng ràng wǒ yǒu gèng duō de shuǐ zhǔ tún shǔ ròu, ó míngzhì hé qiángdà de bàzhǔ?).

 

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Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

As the education secretary called on parents to keep schools open during Thursday’s cheerfully pointless strike, millions of people stressed that if he says it again they will break his collar bone and throw him in a pond.

Tom Logan, a father from Stevenage, said: “Obviously I am desperately keen to spend the entire day locked-up in a giant, 1970s toilet trying to out-swear my horrid little fucker and 30 of his dead-eyed cohorts.

“As things stand all I have to do on Thursday is pretend to care where he is while secretly hoping he takes this opportunity to run off and join a commune in Wales.

“Gove needs to stay the hell out of my business.”

Teaching unions have vowed to press ahead with the strike action insisting the government has no right to make their lives only four times better than yours instead of five.

A spokesman for the Association of Teachers and Lecturers said: “Like doctors, it is vital that we remain comparatively fantastic for a long list of reasons which you simply would not understand.

“But unfortunately it does seem that people in this country have forgotten the difference between outright ownership of a tastefully renovated Tuscan farm cottage and some ghastly, third rate timeshare with a ‘communal pool’ and an ‘on-site restaurant’.”

He added: “We have received messages of support from across British society, many of them wrapped thoughtfully around a brick or smeared with something pungent.

“Some of them may even have been spelled correctly. Who knows?”