Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

As thousands of people who cannot name more than three athletics events did not get tickets for a sport they could not identify with a series of flashcards, Lord Coe was forced to justify the decision not to build a stadium that was the same size as the Earth.

Carlisle sport consumer Wayne Hayes said: “I want to watch the high jump for three minutes – the female one, mind you – and then have my own personal toilet for 10 minutes before I’m led to the gymnastics as Balinese women toss petals at my feet.

“It’s not as if I’m asking for a perspex enclosure underneath the women’s beach volleyball court. Although now I’ve just invented that, I insist they build it immediately. And if they don’t then it will be an organisational disaster.”

Many missed out on tickets as the computer system designed for the application process was modelled on Britain’s usual level of interest in athletics, which, according to statisticians, usually potters about the ‘fuck all’ mark.

There was also frustration with the application procedure itself, which involved answering a series of increasingly-difficult cryptic crossword clues in a variety of languages including Serbo-Croat and Eastern Canadian Inuktitut before extemporising a 32-line beat poem on the sport of their choice.

Lord Coe insisted: “This has not been the kind of disaster you’d expect from a country that gave you Wembley Stadium and an organisation headed by a Tory given a peerage because Steve Ovett is basically a communist.

“We will be releasing a million tickets some time next year, when it finally dawns on the current crop of successful applicants that they’ve shat away the price of a foreign holiday to watch some obsessive nobody fuck about in a canoe.”

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Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Across the country, arrogant, self-assured women who never put a foot wrong are set to be brought down to the same level as ordinary scum like you.

With southern England set to be hotter than a cup of tea, office workers are relishing the thought of that smarmy cow dripping like a fat, hairy builder.

Emma Bradford, from Finsbury Park, said: “There is nothing more satisfying than seeing someone who thinks they’re better than you getting uncomfortably moist.

“And even though I have to sit across from her, I hope she fucking stinks.”

And as beads of sweat begin their epic journeys towards millions of defenceless buttock clefts, overweight man Bill McKay unveiled plans to take his shirt off in the park.

He said: “I know how keen people are to see my naked torso, especially my lovely breasts.

“So not only am I going to take my shirt off, I am going to parade around the park for my entire lunch hour so that as many people as possible can enjoy their sandwiches while gazing wistfully at my glistening folds.

“And I won’t hear a word of thanks, as it is my absolute pleasure.”