Lady Gaga to eat Kevin Pietersen

LADY Gaga is to make a series of unwatchable films before devouring an international cricketer on live television.

In her new ‘performance concept’ the singer will ‘become’ Elizabeth Hurley by divesting herself of all discernible talent and making three films where she will basically play herself, very badly.

She will then buy a yak farm near Cirencester and if, at any time, the media tires of the ‘concept’ she will run around shouting: “Look at me in my bra and pants!”

After a high profile romance with a badly-chinned Englishman she will hunt down and capture Kevin Pietersen and then dress him like a girl. And in a thrilling climax she will finally slaughter and eat him live on the QVC shopping channel.



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Avoiding tax is a good thing, says Jesus

JESUS has settled the argument on tax avoidance by stating, uncategorically, that it is a good thing.

The messiah was forced to intervene after MPs said that television stars were avoiding tax that could have been used by MPs to buy televisions.

The Son of God said: “Tax is a necessary evil. By which I mean it is vaguely necessary, but definitely evil.

“Tax enables politics. It enables government. It enables armies. It enables most of the shit in your life.

“The only reason we have tax in the first place is because you lot have no idea how to live with each other. Or to put it another way, you have not listened to a fucking word I’ve said.”

He added: “When I said you should render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, I didn’t mean you shouldn’t use an accountant.

“And so the next time some fucking politician tells you that you’re not paying enough tax, simply say unto them, ‘give me your massive television you despicable piece of shit’.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “No-one should be avoiding tax except me because I have it harder than everyone else.”

Logan was then killed by Jesus, using a karate chop.