Venus confirms extra transit due to popular demand

Planet’s management announces additional passing-in-front-of-sun in 50 years’ time.



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

Last weekend’s jubilee street party has changed my opinion of my neighbours. They’re an even bigger shower of cretinous bastards than I thought. How can I ensure I never have to encounter them ever again?




Dear Gayle,

I bet you didn’t know that jubilee is the Latin word for poo. And in actual fact, we’ve all been celebrating the Queen doing a big anniversary jobby to mark 60 years ‘on the throne’? When you think about all the rich banquet food she has had to eat over the years, no wonder she wants to mark the occasion like that. It was very nice to see a flotilla of ships following the Royal Log as it made its last journey along the Thames and out into the sea. I just hope she lit a match.

Hope that helps!