30 degree heat makes getting smashed this lunchtime mandatory

SOARING temperatures mean that popping out of the office for six pints this lunchtime is compulsory behaviour, it has been confirmed.

The heat-health alert being raised from yellow to amber has brought heavy lunchtime drinking rules into effect and must be followed to the letter by anyone who is in work or unemployed.

Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty said: “The mercury has hit 30C, so  you need to step away from your desk at lunch, double park yourself, and get steadily hammered. For your health.

“Anyone who’s caught sober from mid-afternoon onwards will be fined on the spot or forced to drink a pint through a funnel while everyone else chants ‘chug-chug-chug-chug.’ And don’t forget that eating is cheating.”

Office boss Martin Bishop said: “It sounds crazy but the rules are there in black and white in your contract. So what are you waiting for? Turn your computer off now and get down to the pub pronto.”

Homeworker Emma Bradford said: “Way ahead of you. I’ve been permanently half cut since the first peep of sun in April. Cheers.”

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Woman on Tinder preferred dick pics to Strava routes

A WOMAN who thought she was sick of pictures of penises has discovered she prefers them to tedious statistics about exercise activities.

Lucy Parry has noticed a trend of men sending her images of recorded runs and cycle rides which are more exasperating than photos of less-than-average cocks.

Parry said: “I understand modern dating. When I open Tinder, I don’t expect witty, honest answers to the questions I have asked potential dates. I expect badly-lit, unflattering images of willies.

“It’s depressing, but, as I’m rapidly discovering, highly preferable to a shared Strava route showing some guy’s five-hour cycle around Kent, complete with top speed, distance and elevation.

“They don’t even send pictures of themselves looking hunky in a Lycra one-piece. This leads me to suspect they’re trying to make up for a distinct lack of physical attractiveness and personality by demonstrating they can ride a bike, which, let’s face it, is a five-year-old child’s level of skill.

“But not to worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea. The ones kind enough to give me a backlog of wangs to laugh about with my mates.”