Dog trying to understand what it did wrong but can't

A DOG loudly reprimanded for its misbehaviour is gazing up in total incomprehension of what it could possibly have done wrong.

The elderly golden labrador, to whom this has been happening a lot lately, is trying to understand but is just hearing its own name and feeling more hurt and affronted each time.

Donald barked: “But I’m a good dog. You told me I was a good dog. The best dog.

“I took those important papers and hid them in my bed because they were my papers and I wanted them. I might have wanted to play with them, or eat them.

“They’ve got my scent on them now, so they have to be mine. Also I never had them and I don’t like them and I’m definitely not looking at them when you glance away.

“Also, the shit-on-the-bathmat thing and the boning of next-door’s spaniel Stormy were long-time-ago and things long-time-ago are not really real, or maybe?

“You never tell off the cat. It’s an unfair witch-hunt against me, and I’m your favourite dog.”

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70s gaydar was shit, say historians

PEOPLE in the 1970s were terrible at figuring who was and was not gay despite it being really f**king obvious, historians have confirmed.

Despite film, television and radio being full of homosexual innuendo and blatantly obvious clues, the public had no idea that men like Larry Grayson and John Inman were not staunch heterosexuals with a few amusingly effete quirks.

Cultural historian Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s astonishing how wrong they got it. The high camp antics of Frankie Howard and Kenneth Williams were wildly popular, yet nobody pondered whether they might possibly be gay.

“Whereas absolute womanisers like Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and George Best were called ‘woofters’ simply because they grew their hair long or wore slightly flamboyant clothes.

“They were even confused about Elton John, because, while he dressed in the gayest way possible, all feathers and sequins, he liked football and wrote a song called ‘Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting’. Blew their primitive 70s minds.

“And as for lesbians, in those days they were mythical creatures like mermaids or leprechauns. The average British person thinks lesbianism was invented by Channel 4 in 1994, when Beth Jordache kissed Margaret on Brookside.”