Man takes three days to plan impromptu conversation with crush

A MAN wanting to ask a colleague out on a date has spent three days meticulously planning a spontaneous chat.

Office worker Stephen Malley will inquire whether Lucy Phipps wants to meet at the weekend with a casual remark he has prepared with military precision.

Malley explained: “Tuesday was spent selecting the perfect location for the accidental meeting, which was difficult because Lucy is always busy. She never skives in the kitchen, like I do.

“Wednesday I crafted the dialogue. It has to sound like the thought has just popped into my head, rather than I’m some desperate bastard who asks out every women he happens to be standing next to.

“Yesterday I rehearsed the plan: to cause and then fix a jam in the photocopier, creating a minor drama to attract her attention and allow me to impress her with my masculine skills of logic and wiggling a paperclip around in a small hole.

“As she watches, impressed and slightly turned on, I’ll mention All Bar One is doing two-for-one pitchers and she’ll swoon into my arms. Should go off without a hitch.”

Asked later whether his plan worked, Malley said: “Did it f**k. I got covered in toner and she just laughed and said ‘I’ll call a proper man from maintenance’ and walked off.”

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Leela and other Doctor Who companions that should come back next, by a dad

BONNIE Langford’s return to Doctor Who has sent ageing nerds into a frenzy, but the show could do better. Dad Roy Hobbs explains which former companions he lusted over should return next.


Louise Jameson’s leather bikini-clad, tribal warrior character was a crucial part of the show’s history and my personal sexual awakening. Failing to bring her back would be a brutal snub to long-term fans who spent hours ogling over pictures of her in Doctor Who Weekly. Maybe lose the suggestion of blackface though to make her more palatable for modern audiences.


Most Doctor Who companions were nothing more than underwritten eye candy. Take Peri, an American botany student who never really played up to these personality traits. Not that anyone really cared though as she spent most of her time jiggling over uneven terrain in a tight, low-cut top. Bring her back exactly as she was, no notes.

Romana II

The thinking fan’s crumpet, beloved by both Richard Dawkins and former Doctor Who himself Tom Baker. They could bring her back in a story where the only way to save the universe is to mud wrestle a baddie played by Samantha Fox. Admittedly not the best plot idea ever, but it’s better than anything the show’s cranked out in the last few years.

That Australian air hostess one

I can’t remember her bloody name. It was way back in the Eighties when the rot started to set in. All I remember is that she wore a leather skirt while fighting the Daleks and got possessed by an evil snake. I’ll have to Google her to jog my memory, so leave me alone for a few minutes while I do my research.

Karen Gillan

The miniskirted Scottish beauty is the best part of the revival by a country mile. Even when the plots disappeared up their own backside, I would still happily sit through 45 minutes of incoherent bollocks if she was in it. It’s the same reason I watched the new Jumanji films and Guardians of the Galaxy. God knows nothing else about them appealed.

Kylie Minogue

A choice that fans of any sexuality can agree on. Camp Whovians will lap up anything the pop diva does, while greying horndogs like myself will enjoy watching her run around in a skimpy outfit. I don’t care that she’s not technically a proper companion. She was in that David Tennant episode, doesn’t that count? Don’t take this away from me.