Crispy Pancakes, Pop-Tarts, and other processed food that never did you any harm, probably

THERE’S a lot of concern over processed food nowadays but you grew up eating Angel Delight and you’re fine. So far. Here are some other old favourites to worry about:

Crispy Pancakes

A pancake full of minced beef or cheese and ham, covered in breadcrumbs and frozen? What lunatic invented this? It didn’t matter back in the 80s, as they were delicious, convenient and no one gave a shit that they were chock full of chemical colourings and stabilisers. They’d have told you to stick your avocados and bulgar wheat where the sun doesn’t shine.


A Pop-Tart has been through so many processes that it probably shouldn’t be legally classified as food anymore, and they contain an absolute f**k load of sugar, corn syrup, palm oil and other worrying substances. However, the part of your brain that will forever remain an 80s kid still cannot resist that sweet, moreish smell wafting out of the toaster.

Angel Delight

What even is this? Add milk to coloured powder and it creates a claggy, oddly textured dessert in seconds. Every single flavour tasted vile, and yet that didn’t stop it being viewed as a sophisticated pudding that the whole family welcomed to the tea table with the same appreciation people today reserve for matcha and pomegranate panna cotta.

Billy Bear ham

Pork is pretty natural, right? Well, yes, but not after it has been mechanically reclaimed, mixed with pea protein, ascorbic acid and diphosphates – whatever they are – and reconstituted to look like a bear. A mental idea, when you think about it, but you were the envy of the playground when you had it in your sandwiches at school.

Turkey Twizzlers

Everyone loved a Turkey Twizzler, brimming with saturated fat, salt and sugar, and covered in a chemically enhanced coating. Then Jamie Oliver turned up and ruined them for everyone, ushering in the age of actually thinking about what we put in our bodies. Healthy perhaps, but after a childnood spent mainlining e-numbers, it feels a bit dull.

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Everyone who visited Chequers during lockdown to be honoured for bravery

BORIS Johnson has requested that the entire Chequers lockdown guest list be awarded the Victoria Cross for their bravery under fire.

The former prime minister, who is confident of getting his honours list passed because of the dirt he holds on the current incumbent, has appended all his Chequers guests with the scribbled note ‘heroes’.

Rishi Sunak, swallowing hard, said: “What could be more noble than to risk your own life for your country? And that is, I’m told, what these individuals did.

“To offer succor and comfort to a pregnant mother, Dixie Maloney took on Covid. When she walked down that long drive to the couple’s grace-and-favour country home, she knew she might not survive.

“But she put planning their wedding first. Like hundreds of others invited to Chequers throughout the first, second and third lockdowns who are braver than D-Day veterans, braver than the Tommies in the trenches, braver than Michael Caine in Zulu.

“Each and every one of them, even the strippers, will be awarded the Victoria Cross for their courage under fire and granted full legal immunity. Heroes, you have our heartfelt thanks.”

Sunak added: “Is this any more grotesquely unjust than making Nadine Dorries a life peer? No. So stop looking at me like that.”