Average measure of lockdown spirits costs £36 in pub

BRITONS returning to pubs after months of drinking at home have been shocked at the cost of what they consider a single measure.

Punters asking for something they can feel behind the eyes, for Christ’s sake, have been shocked to hand over £40 for one drink and receive loose change in return.

Joe Turner visited his local and after the first drink, which he took back because he thought it was only Coke, asked the barman to ‘tip the bottle a bit’ and was billed £36.20.

He said: “Admittedly I have developed a bit of a taste for neat vodka, but even when I ordered a double it was basically an empty glass with a stain at the bottom.

“I showed him what a proper measure was – he was only young – and he goes to the till and it comes up as nigh-on 40 quid. My week’s drinking budget gone in two swallows.”

Landlord Tom Logan said: “We understand that some of our customers have become used to measures of spirits that don’t look like they’ve been squeezed out of an eye dropper.

“We are happy to oblige customers, however, with a range of payment plans for larger measures including the option of paying over 12 months.”

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The Michael Gove/Rishi Sunak guide to why you should/shouldn't wear a mask in Pret

HELLO, I’m Michael Gove and/or Rishi Sunak, and I’d like to explain why it’s vital that you do/do not wear a mask while going in Pret. 

As you know, from next week facemasks are mandatory in shops. And some elements of the media have rightly/wrongly assumed that I/my respected colleague was sending the wrong message by not wearing a mask in Pret.

But they are the fools/entirely correct. Because Pret isn’t/is a shop.

No, the Pret A Manger chain can actually not be considered a shop in any way, except by the dunderheads of the press/the Treasury for business tax and VAT purposes.

It’s actually a cafe/uh? so I was perfectly within my rights not to wear a mask/I’m sorry, what? because I was only making a takeaway purchase/I haven’t agreed to this and it doesn’t make any sense.

If you think about it, there’s actually no way I could possibly infect anyone when just popping in for a humous and chipotle wrap/yes there is. Have we run this past Dom? Because it sounds like a Dom thing.

So that’s why my critics were wrong and all takeaway food suppliers are exempted from the mask requirement henceforward/really? Well I guess if Dom says it’s okay.

Now if you don’t mind, I must use the bathroom/yeah, I could use a line as well.