How to wofglndrk from home wxcvhen a cat fdgippmkfkieeps walking on your keyboard

WORKING from home? Your furry prick of a pet treating your keyboard like a dancefloor? Here’s how to get through it: 

Shrug it off

In an attempt to keep pretending you’re in control, begin by chuckling and exclaiming ‘Not there, kitty!’ as if it’s a joke you’re sharing. Act like it’s just a one-off when deep down you both know this is the new normal.

Reason with it

Why not plead with your cat to do the right thing? It probably understands. Say something like ‘Come on now, this work is what pays for your Lily’s Kitchen Supurrs!’ As it stares back at you like you’re the most pointless thing in the universe, try your best not to look down in defeated confirmation. 

Move the cat 

Keep lying to yourself that you are the dominant entity in this situation, pick the cat up and put it on the floor. Allow yourself a second of nervous hope that the matter’s settled before the cat’s back up and somehow emailing your boss, ccing in HR. 

Take a break

Decide you could both use a breather, under the illusion that the cat will get bored and instead go and murder a sparrow or shit in the neighbour’s begonias. It leaves and you let out a sigh of relief as you sit back down. Three keystrokes in, guess who’s back?

Get tough

Speaking to the animal as if it understands or cares, you say a firm ‘That’s it!’ Kick the cat out of the room and close the door behind it. Now try to work through your guilt and shame as the cat mews sadly at the door like a dying child you’ve abandoned. 

Give up

Obey. Let the cat back in. This is how things are now. Work takes ten times longer, if it’s possible at all. The cat is your master and its additions to your work are just and wise.

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Man who claims his freedom of speech is under threat never shuts the f**k up

A MAN claiming freedom of speech is as risk from censorious leftists spends 18 hours a day vomiting his opinions all over social media.

Bill McKay is so outraged that ‘Leftwaffe cultural Marxists’ are stopping him speaking out that he posts about it on Facebook for all the world to read approximately three times an hour.

McKay said: “The libtards are always trying to silence me, which pisses me off because it’s like Nazi Germany. Also you’re not allowed to post anything positive about Nazi Germany.

“Saying it’s ‘homophobic’ to call someone a poofter violates my human rights to express my opinion freely. And I’ve written a four-paragraph rant on a public forum to make sure they know it.

“I’m also very active on Twitter, where I run several accounts replying to anything Marxist journalists say telling them how wrong they are, and that they’ll be strung up once we leave the EU.

“They keep blocking me. See? Censorship. For daring to tell the truth.”

McKay’s wife Susan said: “I wish someone would take away his freedom of speech, the boring old twat.”