Being friends with weirdo teetotallers, and other amazing benefits of quitting alcohol

THE benefits of going sober are many and awful. Here are the dismal upsides to quitting alcohol that aren’t really worth the effort.

It adds ten shit years to your life

Kicking the booze does wonders for your body and extends your lifespan by up to a decade. Unfortunately, these ten years are at the end of your life when natural wear and tear will be taking their toll anyway. You can use this time to think of all the drunken fun you’d have had and watch climate change play out. Enjoy.

Saving money you don’t really need to

Rounds of pints aren’t cheap, though hardly like buying a new washing machine. Even so you’ll save a small fortune by packing them in. You’ll still need to socialise though in order to stave off your sober boredom, so that money will go into non-alcoholic beers instead. And thanks to their fancy ingredients they’re pretty pricey too. Oh well, you can’t take it with you.

A morally superior glow

Pissheads have a sweaty complexion, whereas non-drinkers have clear skin that’s positively shining with their self-satisfied life choices. Drive it home with a big shit-eating grin whenever friends complain about their hangovers for maximum effect. However it does risk having no one to be smug around as your friends strangely decide they prefer nights out without someone telling them they look like shit.

You’ll befriend other non-drinking weirdos

Forget hanging around with people who frequent pubs. Their miserable drink-fuelled cheer will soon become a thing of the past. Instead you’ll be able to broaden your social horizons and spend your free time with social misfits and dreary oddballs who like to crochet, play Go obsessively and visit historic railway tunnels. You’ll need a drink to endure their company, but resist the urge.

It’ll boost your wellbeing

Alcohol is a depressant, so by weaning yourself off it the chemicals in your brain will balance out. This will be purely mental improvement, so you’ll have to repeatedly tell people how great you feel otherwise they won’t know. Don’t worry though, they’ll really appreciate the constant updates and won’t be secretly wishing death upon you.

You’ll have more free time

Think of all those hours you’ve pissed down the drain getting half cut with your friends. By going sober, you’ll be able to spend more time at home. By yourself. Pondering your life with a totally clear head. If this sounds like too much to bear, you can always turn to drugs. They’re not alcohol so you’re not breaking the rules.

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'Inheritance' and other words only rich people need now

LANGUAGE evolves all the time. And the way the UK is going, poor people will soon have no need for these words at all.


This archaic word used to mean a passing down of wealth from one generation to the next, usually in the event of death. Try saying it to a poor person soon and they’ll furrow their brow in angry confusion. ‘What is this wealth of which you speak?’ they’ll grunt while eating their bowl of turnip and grass stew.


Not to be confused with pissed. Piste is the name of the slope that rich people go to on their skiing holidays. These jaunts may well cost the same as your salary. Never mind piste though, you should be more worried about never having to use these words again: ‘abroad’, ‘passport’ and ‘holiday’.


Equity is the value of an item or property after debts have been subtracted. Rich people have equity calculated on their property, which they let out in turn to make a tasty little sum on the side. Poor people will soon have equity calculated on their organs, which might make them a bit of money on the black market after they’re dead.

Summer house

Britons people have a vague understanding of what ‘summer’ is, but ‘house’ fell out of usage ages ago. Those old enough to remember the concept of houses have mentally filed them away next to Medieval castles, because that’s how grand and fantastical they sound. Little do they know that summer houses are quaint little dwellings where rich people go to have affairs.


Rich people with kids offload them onto a nanny. Sort of like how regular people drop the kids at their grandparents’ for a weekend of peace and unbroken sleep. Yeah, a nanny would be f**king excellent. But you can forget that, and at least you’ve ruled out your kids turning into 12-year-old wankers in suits perusing share prices in the FT like a certain youthful Mr Rees-Mogg.


Everyone is born with teeth, but only rich people are privileged enough to keep them into adulthood. Poor people will likely lose them all by adolescence thanks to bad nutrition and extortionate, inaccessible dental care. Therefore the word teeth will become redundant and get replaced with something like ‘mouth rocks’ or a series of caveman-like grunts.