Bin men judging you on all those wine bottles

REFUSE collectors are tracking how many empty alcohol bottles you leave in your recycling each fortnight and judging you, they have confirmed. 

The men catalogue the type, frequency and number of bottles and use sophisticated technology to model your week-by-week alcohol intake, making graphs available to anyone who asks.

Refuse collector Tom Logan said: “Oh yes. And you thought we didn’t notice.

“We’ve seen how much you drink each week. We know when you sneak a few wine bottles into the bottom of the general waste bin so your recycling box doesn’t look as full. Washing the labels off your gin bottles doesn’t fool us for an instant.

“And don’t try to claim you ‘had a party’ or ‘the upstairs neighbours put those in my bin’. Glass holds fingerprints, and we’ve got yours on file.

“You can’t get anything past us. You’re a dirty great wino and we know it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man consults Screwfix catalogue as if it were the I Ching

A MAN uses the Screwfix catalogue to find reliable shelf brackets and answers to the great mysteries of life, it has emerged.

Tom Logan dips into the catalogue for advice whether he needs to know the cost of 200 drywall screws or if he has taken the ‘correct path’.

Wife Sarah Logan said: “Tom’s devotion to Screwfix has given us a lovely kitchen, but he’s also  consulting it to decide whether to tell his sister-in-law about his brother’s affair.

“He claims it contains more wisdom about life than the Bible – which is true – but he’s always got it with him. Last year when we went to Lanzarote last year it was his holiday reading. He quotes passages to me in bed.”

She added: “To be honest it’s started to help me make more sense of life.

“What are the material things of this life worth, after all, if fire door ball-bearing hinges in satin chrome are £3.03 for a pack of two when buying in bulk?”