Friday, 6th December 2019

Bin men judging you on all those wine bottles

REFUSE collectors are tracking how many empty alcohol bottles you leave in your recycling each fortnight and judging you, they have confirmed. 

The men catalogue the type, frequency and number of bottles and use sophisticated technology to model your week-by-week alcohol intake, making graphs available to anyone who asks.

Refuse collector Tom Logan said: “Oh yes. And you thought we didn’t notice.

“We’ve seen how much you drink each week. We know when you sneak a few wine bottles into the bottom of the general waste bin so your recycling box doesn’t look as full. Washing the labels off your gin bottles doesn’t fool us for an instant.

“And don’t try to claim you ‘had a party’ or ‘the upstairs neighbours put those in my bin’. Glass holds fingerprints, and we’ve got yours on file.

“You can’t get anything past us. You’re a dirty great wino and we know it.”