Britain poised and ready for daytime drinking

THE UK has confirmed that if events cause it to need to drink before noon, it is ready to shoulder that burden. 

Britons have stressed that they very much hope there is no reason to do so, but if the worst should happen then swigging whisky from the bottle during This Morning can swing into place almost immediately.

Julian Cook of Ludlow said: “I’ve got a hip flask I keep topped up. I’ve loosened the top. I can get three to five units in my system within less than 15 seconds if necessary.

“My son’s relying on lager, which might seem a stretch but he’s 19 and can down a can in moments. If we’re called upon I’m confident he could be shouting pissed within 20 minutes.

“It does feel a bit weird, going about your day as normal while knowing that any moment you could be under pressure to be hammered watching Homes Under The Hammer. But we’re ready. We’ve always been ready.”

Sophie Raworth of the BBC’s News At One team said: “Obviously we’re all hoping that we don’t have to deliver the news Britain fears.

“But if we do, I’ve got a tray of vodka shots on standby. Just try to keep up with me.”

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Five things that obviously aren't spreading coronavirus

COUGHS, unwashed hands, and sharing enclosed spaces with other people all spread the coronavirus. These things obviously don’t: 

5G phone masts

There is no scientific overlap between towers providing faster internet connections and an infectious disease from bats. Put down your flaming torch, go home, and leave the Facebook group that is lying to you.

The prime minister’s letter to the nation

The letters haven’t been signed and sealed personally. They probably never went with 50 miles of Downing Street. You’re safe to skim it, and confirm you’re already doing what it says, and move on.

Watching Question Time

The topical debate show makes you despise your fellow man and demolishes your will to live, but hasn’t been proven to spread COVID-19. Which doesn’t mean it’s safe to watch. Even with its audience of opinionated halfwits confined to social media, it is never safe to watch Question Time.

Relentless masturbation

Mercifully, because it’s all anyone’s been doing since the lock down began. If there were a correlation between cranking one out and coronavirus the NHS would have been overwhelmed a long time ago.

Obsessing about coronavirus

Thinking about the pandemic night and day does tighten your chest and break out out into a cold sweat but that’s old-fashioned dread, not the virus. This means you’re free to spend your days bouncing from one news site to the other in a state of permanent anxiety.