Days now take f**king weeks

THE UK has agreed that days at this point are taking weeks, and weeks are taking entire f**king years. 

The advent of widespread homeworking, closed schools, being unable to go anywhere and the accelerating pace of events mean that this time last month’s cinema visit is a distant memory.

Tom Logan of Mansfield said: “A few 30-minute work calls on Monday morning? Sure. Location: my front room. Duration: one day.

“In one sense nothing happens. But on my phone a year’s worth of news events is being fast-forwarded through like a montage.

“I was glad it was Friday when it was Tuesday. I found myself staring into a cupboard with a packet of Hob-Nobs in hand for 45 minutes, or was it six hours?

“A greater power is clearly f**king with humanity’s sense of time. Though my girlfriend says that’s just my excuse for being on PlayStation until 3am.”

Quantum physicist Dr Helen Archer said: “As far as we can tell, 2020 will not end.”

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Doing the conga, and five other things that are down 100 per cent

BEEN at a party and grabbed the hips of the last person in line to join the joyous conga kicking its way past recently? Of course not. And all these things are also gone: 

Embracing a Mafia don

IN the old days, everyone would embrace their local Mafia don with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks before congratulating him on his daughter’s wedding. Not now. A nod of the head from a safe distance will suffice and not be taken as disrespect.

Hot tub orgies

Even though we’re getting to know our neighbours better than ever, inviting them round for a soak in the hot tub followed by sex is strictly off the table. The responsible thing to do is cut down the pampas grass in your front garden to send a message.

Thumb wars

At least these times of trouble have brought peace to innocent thumbs. Let’s hope they enjoy it, because the times of war will probably return before the year is out.

Giving work colleagues unwanted shoulder massages

Already an abhorrent practice, but thanks to the current pandemic there’s at least a hope you might realise it has to stop for yourself without being referred to HR.

Talking about the football transfer market

Every league in the world apart from Belarus is cancelled, as is Euro 2020. And even worse the simple pleasure of speculating whether Jadon Sancho will be joining your club for £160m has been taken away, even though it’s no less pointless than before.

The conga, the hokey-cokey and Oops Upside Your Head

All gone. You can almost hear the distant, remembered echoes of ‘Hey, who fancies doing our regular Monday lunchtime conga?’ before a few murmurs and the reply ‘Yeah, I forgot about social distancing. Sorry.’