Britons enter fourth week of massive stay-at-home bender

BRITAIN’S population is staggering into the fourth week of its self-destructive lockdown drinking spree.

With no end to the lockdown in sight, plucky Brits have bravely decided to redouble their efforts of getting wasted around the clock at home.

Francesca Johnson said: “It’s common knowledge that everyone who isn’t a key worker has been doing their bit at home by necking booze or lying around in a half-cut stupor for the last three weeks.

“Not only is this pumping money into the economy, it also makes working from home bearable, so we’ve really got to keep it up. It’s patriotic.

“Sure, the government hasn’t explicitly told us to get wrecked 24/7, but if you read between the lines you can tell they want us to crack open another bottle of Lambrini and drink the day away.

“Why else do you think the offies are still open?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The biggest challenge as we enter week four is to make sure everyone paces themselves. If everyone pops out for tinnies at once some people will not be able to get bladdered.”

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How not to go insane in lockdown with your parents

HAVE you chosen to sit out the coronavirus crisis at your parents’ house? Here’s how to prevent their annoying habits driving you up the f**king wall.

Remember they are mental

They may appear to be taking lockdown seriously, but will suddenly forget about it and do something mad, eg. hop in the car and drive around all day looking for garden centres that are open because they need a new watering can. Hide the car keys in the cistern.

Get used to bullshit on the radio

In this age of Netflix, you may not be prepared for 10 hours a day of inane babble on the radio, be it Gardeners’ Question Time or whatever the thickos on Talkradio are incoherently ‘discussing’. Get industrial ear mufflers if they’re into local radio shite like ‘Dave Dee’s Drivetime Quiz-o-rama’.

Expect odd requests while online shopping

Does Amazon deliver sandwiches? Can you get a ‘video’ of that old programme they used to like with ‘him’ in it, you know, the one who’s a policeman? What’s the weather going to be like for Auntie Margaret and Uncle Geoff if they’re allowed to go to Portugal in August?

Take an interest in relatives

Do you not give a shit about your cousin’s daughter’s plans to do a gap year before going to Keele University? You’re going to hear about it. Switch off your brain and imagine it’s a gripping soap opera.

Identify bathroom ‘windows of opportunity’

Okay, their bodies are a bit creaky these days, BUT DO THEY REALLY NEED TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME IN THE F**KING BATHROOM? When you see a free slot get in there and have a piss, shit, dental stick session, shower, shave, blackhead-squeeze and whatever else because you may not get another chance for several hours.

Make a ‘safe space’

If all this gets too much for you, which it will, find somewhere to be alone. Possibly hiding under a blanket in the darkest recess of the loft while silently sipping at a bottle of vodka.