Calling it 'plonk', and other twee ways to disguise your dependency on alcohol

WANT to make your worrying thirst for booze seem harmless? Try these socially acceptable ways.

Calling it ‘plonk’

Pet names for alcohol make it sound like it’s cute, rather than an emotional crutch that you can’t function without. As well as ‘plonk’, you could try ‘cheeky vino’ or ‘tipple’. It’ll sound much better when explaining to your other half why you reek of booze on a weekday afternoon.

Going for bottomless brunch

What fun to meet your friends for a weekly catch-up. No yummy mummy bats an eyelid when mimosas are included with the courgette fritters or shakshuka, and being hammered at 11am is absolutely fine if you’re in a cafe and can claim it’s ‘hair of the dog’ and not a deeply ingrained need for alcohol.

Using a wine app

Having a wine app means you can read the tasting notes of each of bottle during the time you spend lovingly wandering the length of the booze aisle at Waitrose. It’s all about using technology to make an informed choice and absolutely not to cover up the fact you’re a very middle-class alcoholic.

Giving yourself ‘a little reward’

It’s been a long week, you tell yourself at 4.37pm on a Tuesday, you deserve a little pick-me-up. You use this reason to convince a colleague to go with you for a ‘swift half’ after work, which is how you find yourself vomiting on his living room carpet at 5am on Wednesday morning and wishing you were dead.

Hosting a dinner party

No one gives a toss about the dinner, these events are all about the booze. As host you have to make sure there is a selection of different wines on hand, and your guests will definitely bring a bottle each as well. Once you’ve necked all that, you can reasonably suggest port, brandy, limoncello or whatever other weird shit is languishing at the back of the cupboard, until you’re all plastered. That’s just being the sophisticated bon vivant that you are.

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Teenage couple celebrate one-month anniversary with cans of cider on the swings

A TEENAGE couple have marked their first month together by necking Strongbow in a playground.

James Bates and Lucy Parry, 15, decided to celebrate being in a relationship for four entire weeks without breaking up by drinking cans of warm cider in their local park.

Bates said: “It’s a massive milestone. We’ve had some rocky moments during our time together, of course, like when Lucy sat beside that prick Oliver during science instead of me. But every long-term couple has issues.

“And now I think our relationship – which mainly consists of sitting silently beside each other on the bus to school, and intermittent non-French kissing – is stronger than ever.”

Parry added: “It takes a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy partnership. I’ve known so many great couples who you thought would be together forever but broke up after six days. But we strive to keep the spark alive.

“James is so romantic, he even opened this can for me. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather sit on a swing with, on the verge of developing hypothermia.”

Asked their plans for the rest of the evening, James said: “The usual: finish three-and-a-half cans each then be sick down the slide.”