Younger generation can only be such censorious little shits because they've got pornography

YOUNG people demanding all exploitative sexual content be removed from the world can afford to be moralistic because they have infinite porn in their pockets.

Under-25s horrified at tits in newspapers and sex scenes in films have been advised that pre-internet that was how you saw tits and found out how sex worked.

Helen Archer of Leamington Spa said: “Oh, I’m sorry, is a whole generation of frequent, casual porn users offended?

“You’re sitting in judgement on us? You visit Pornhub on your phone to wake yourselves up in the morning, then blast older generations for their disgusting lust for brief sex scenes in mainstream rom-coms?

“That’s the luxury of having hardcore shagging available 24/7. I get it. I couldn’t understand why 70s people watched Confessions of A Driving Instructor in cinemas when I was your twattish age.

“But just because you think there’s a time and place for filth, and it’s wherever and whenever you f**king want, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t enjoy a nice bit of carefully-shot shagging in the middle of The Singing Detective. Wank off with your high morals.”

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 18, said: “The olds are just sexually depraved, that’s the only answer. Ooh, there’s a new post on one of my OnlyFans subs.”

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Man accepts he is bald ten years after everyone else did

A MAN has finally come to terms with the fact he has no hair, a decade after his friends and family did the same.

Stephen Malley, aged 32, had a classic case of male pattern baldness which saw his hairline recede steadily from the moment he turned 18, a situation everyone in his life has known about for as long as they can remember.

Malley said: “I guess I’ve been in denial. I’ve tried growing the rest of my hair long, combing it in creative ways, and even wearing a variety of hats, but now I’ve given in.

“I decided it was time to bite the bullet and shave my head. I felt really emotional about it, like the best years of my life were behind me and now I was on an inexorable slide towards decay and death.

“I tried to explain this to my mates and they told me that I looked much better as a proper slaphead and to stop being such an overdramatic dickhead about it.

“And my girlfriend was even happier. She said if I’d kept up the Prince William circa 2015 look for much longer she was going to think seriously about dumping me.”