BOOZING before midday is an activity that separates the merely convivial from the genuinely alcoholic. Except on these occasions:
At airports
The novelty of being able to drink a pint at 5am combined with the excitement of going on holiday and a long wait in departures means that you’re shitfaced by the time you board the plane. You know full well this will result in an unpleasant hangover by the time you get on the hot, smelly transfer coach at your destination and yet it never stops you.
Weekend brunch
Bottomless brunches are wildly popular nowadays, mostly because you can tip unlimited alcohol down your throat for two hours on a Saturday morning. You have no choice but to carry on for the rest of the day, which completely writes off your weekend, but what else are they for, if not being completely trolleyed?
In Wetherspoons
You tell yourself you’ve come into Wetherspoons early for a cheap but hearty English breakfast. Oh, you can have a pint with that, can you? For £2.99? Well, it would be rude not to in that case. Just avoid seating yourself near the derelict regulars or you’ll feel like you’re seeing a premonition of your own future.
Your birthday, or your partner’s
It’s important to celebrate the momentous day you or your partner were born, even if it’s a boring, non-noteworthy age, like 37. Crack open the Prosecco at 8am to kick off the day in style. If it’s a work day, add some orange juice so you feel less like you’re teetering on the brink of alcoholism. And make sure you brush your teeth before the morning meeting.
Children’s birthday parties
Though theoretically about celebrating the birthday boy or girl, kids’ parties are actually an excuse for their parents to get out of the house, talk to some other adults and neck as much booze as possible in the time it takes for 23 children to get bored of a bouncy castle. Top tip: bring a box of wine and drink from an opaque beaker so nobody knows exactly how many litres you have imbibed.
