Eight pints hailed as wonder drug

SCIENTISTS have discovered that eight pints of beer can have a significant theraputic effect on almost any ailment. 

The study treated patients suffering from conditions ranging from anxiety to coronavirus to a broken leg with eight pints with an alcohol content of four per cent or greater, while a control group got a placebo of eight pints of water.

The patients drinking the beer described themselves as feeling ‘f**king great’, ‘feeling no pain’ and ‘like they had known each other forever’, where the other group were bored.

Dr Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “Eight pints have shown benefits for a number of conditions, both mental and physical. They are the panacea for all ills.

“Our recommendation is that everyone try eight pints and see if they still give a shit about having asthma afterwards, and I bet you won’t.”

Test subject Ryan Whittaker said: “I was sceptical but once the medication kicked in it was like a weight lifted off me. I forgot all about my fractured ribs and it must have got rid of my acne, because I felt handsome and confident all night. It’s a miracle.”

But Roy Hobbs, aged 67, said: “This isn’t new science. It’s an old folk remedy. I’ve been having eight pints every lunchtime for years and I feel invincible.”

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We smashed up Napoleon at the Battle of Hastings – a gammon's guide to history

IT’S Black History Month, so white people who couldn’t give a f**k the other 11 months of the year are suddenly history buffs. HGV driver Stephen Malley runs through it: 

Beating Napoleon at the Battle of Hastings

Napoleon was a tiny onion-eating French weasel who got what he had coming to him. He came on the beach at Hastings on 1066 and our boys used their longbows to send him and his surrender monkeys packing. And we did it again on the 1,000th anniversary in 2016, with a democratic referendum.

Fighting off the Spanish Armada

One of the proudest moments of Queen Elizabeth’s reign was when Francis Bacon led our world-beating navy to victory against those burrito-eating bastards. It’s how we won Gibraltar, and if they think we’re giving it back, they can f**k off.

Ending the slave trade

What these ignorant Black Lives Matter people forget is that Britain actually ended the slave trade, so we’re the good guys and if it wasn’t for us, Barack Obama would never have become president. In conclusion, there’s no-one less racist than the English.

Winning World War Two

Christ, it’s been a effort not mentioning the only bit of history that matters until now. Anyway Spitfires, Churchill, the Blitz spirit, rationing, land girls and Dunkirk. WW2 is the only time the UK has ever been properly good. After Brexit we’ll be able to return to those days. By invading Europe.

Winning the World Cup

The proudest moment of British 19th-century was when Geoff Hurst won against those wurst-eating wankers. If he hadn’t scored those goals, we’d all be speaking German right now — but ‘real history’ is too much for these bloody liberal snowflakes to hear.