SCIENTISTS have discovered that eight pints of beer can have a significant theraputic effect on almost any ailment.
The study treated patients suffering from conditions ranging from anxiety to coronavirus to a broken leg with eight pints with an alcohol content of four per cent or greater, while a control group got a placebo of eight pints of water.
The patients drinking the beer described themselves as feeling ‘f**king great’, ‘feeling no pain’ and ‘like they had known each other forever’, where the other group were bored.
Dr Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “Eight pints have shown benefits for a number of conditions, both mental and physical. They are the panacea for all ills.
“Our recommendation is that everyone try eight pints and see if they still give a shit about having asthma afterwards, and I bet you won’t.”
Test subject Ryan Whittaker said: “I was sceptical but once the medication kicked in it was like a weight lifted off me. I forgot all about my fractured ribs and it must have got rid of my acne, because I felt handsome and confident all night. It’s a miracle.”
But Roy Hobbs, aged 67, said: “This isn’t new science. It’s an old folk remedy. I’ve been having eight pints every lunchtime for years and I feel invincible.”