EVERY single person on a 3.30pm train from Bath to Manchester is absolutely leathered, they have confirmed.
The train is taking workers home, reuniting familes, bringing long-distance partners together and sending people on weekends away, all with one thing in common; they are getting shitfaced.
Passenger Tom Booker said: “From the young executive quietly finishing his marketing report with a four-pack of Camden Hell, to the mother on her way home necking pre-mixed M&S cocktails, to the students sharing a bottle of rhubarb gin, everyone is paralytic.
“No sooner has a single-malt downing businessman staggered off to the station bar at Birmingham than three football fans carrying a crate of Carlsberg took his place. It was a train of souls in blissful, drunken harmony.
“There’s no disorder. The quiet carriage is full of people quietly getting drunk. In first class they’re savouring fine wines and apertifs. Passengers without seats are peaceably getting shitfaced on the floor between carriages.
“It’s actually a vision of Britain in amiable accord. If only this train could be the whole country, how happy we could be.”
Train driver Steve Malley said: “We’re doing a tequila shot for every red light we pass up here. I am wrecked.”