Fact-checkers flummoxed by mate's anecdote about epic night out

THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about. 

Data analysts have been reduced to exhausted husks slumped over laptops after 72 hours trying to separate fact from fiction as Tom Booker’s torrent of unsourced assertions continued unabated.

Fact checker Norman Steele said: “Even staying on top of Trump’s relentless bullshit was nothing compared to this.

“We have been able to establish that the Market Tavern, while adjacent to Preston’s famous covered market, is not ‘where the models hang out’ or ‘Dua Lipa’s local’. Consequently it seems unlikely she was there, though that’s not proven.

“Nor have Korean scientists created a new form of MDMA crossed with Viagra, and even if they did it would not enable the user to drink 15 pints without consequence, let alone maintain a ‘massive stonk-on’ throughout.

“Even the more trivial claims, like flirting with the barmaid flirting or carrying a six-drink round to the table without spilling a drop, are unverifiable and probably fabrications. And while he is called Tom, evidence suggests he is not actually your mate.

“At no point did he board a superyacht. Nobody is considering as the next James Bond. Rita Ora was not present, nor was ‘that Emily Ratajowlsky’. Our working hypothesis is that he drank four pints alone before going home for a wank.”

Booker said: “Don’t listen to them, it all totally happened. You missed a mad one.”

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The six kinds of cosmetic surgery you can get botched in Turkey

HAVE all your friends returned from Turkey with chronic conditions after botched operations, and you’re jealous? Pop over for one of these procedures: 

Hair transplant, £1,599

Concerned about your thinning hair? Worried that women, especially those of the 21-35 category who can afford to be picky, will reject you? How much more confident will you feel when your scalp’s polka-dotted with scars and boasting multiple cysts? Also your hairline’s uneven because the surgeon’s dog jogged his arm when he was drawing it.

Brazilian butt-lift, £2,399

Life without that big ass that became fashionable in the last 15 years is barely life at all. Dreaming of being able to knock over vases with your bulbous butt, you book in for the flight, joking you’ll need two seats for the journey home. In fact you can’t sit down because it’s horribly septic. Six weeks in an good old-fashioned British hospital having pus drained and it’s back to flat.

Tummy tuck, £2,499

Overweight, but the GP won’t give you Ozempic because you haven’t yet got Type 2 diabetes despite a lifetime of trying? The only way to get a more flattering silhouette without lifting a finger is to turn to Turkey, the surgery paradise, even though you voted Brexit in fear Turkey might join the EU. This decision goes as well as that one did.

Labiaplasty, £1,999

If you believe your labia are in a state only a scalpel can fix nobody’s going to argue with you, much less ask for a look. But do you really trust Istanbul to do right down there? If they make your apparently dire labial situation even worse, will you fly back and complain?

Veneers, £1,950

When you need the dazzling lemon-fresh piano-key look and can’t afford fancy British dentists, with their money-grubbing focus on ‘aftercare’ and ‘sterilising equipment’, then fly free. You’ll certainly come home with a whole lot of shit glued to your teeth. They will not let you down in that regard.

Penis enlargement, price on enquiry

Ah, the ultimate dream. Swaggering onto that Ryanair home with a good extra couple of kilos in your hand luggage. The proud stamp of ‘Made in Marmaris’ at the base of your clublike member. Stories of this op being botched never appear in the tabloids, because the men who’ve lost their cocks to vanity never speak to anyone ever again.