Monday, 25th May 2020

Fancy six pints? man says, and means

A MAN has startled colleagues by stating the exact amount of alcohol he intends to drink on a putative night out. 

Bill McKay of Bolton dispensed with the usual understated euphenism of ‘a pint’ and instead proposed an evening that would involve the downing of a gallon and a half of lager between them over the course of four hours.

He said: “I think it’s about time we faced reality as a country, especially in our current fraught times. We need to reintroduce honesty back into the discourse.

“I’m not going to stop at one. I’m not going to be on the train back home at half six. This isn’t a ‘cheeky’ half. ‘Cheeky’ isn’t enough. What I have in mind is outright insolence.

“We will not be drinking a pint, singular, any more than we will be stopping off at the chippy en route home and eating a chip, singular.

“We will first drink three pints. Then, noting that it is only 8.40pm and we are going strong, opt for a fourth. Heroically, we will then dare to suggest a fifth. Finally, just before closing time, and in the interest of even numbers, we will go for a sixth.

“This isn’t bravado. I’m telling it like it is. Let us at last declare our alcohol consumption to be foolhardy, enormous and thoroughly enjoyable.”