Five things Boris Johnson does that would land anyone else in the sh*t

ARE you amazed at Boris Johnson’s ability to do terrible things with no repercussions? Here’s what would happen if you tried: 

Never give a straight answer to a question

If your boss asked ‘Why are you late again?’ and you replied ‘We have invested £699 into a Galaxy smartphone to combat lateness, and what Britain really wants to talk about is the NHS’ you’d be b*llocked, b*llocked in writing and fired.

Backing a business run by a pole-dancing blonde with big tits

If you gave lots of money to a voluptuous entrepreneur who you surreptitiously visit in the afternoons, your partner would justifiably wonder if it was purely for investment reasons and suggest you f**k off and sleep in the back garden while they Google divorce lawyers.

Spout Latin garbage

A Classical education is a fine thing, but try reeling off a few maxims about Caecilius est in horto next time you’re in a row in a taxi queue and see how much more severe your beating becomes.

Blustering

If there’s one thing Boris does well, it’s blustering. However in the real world blustering will only get you so far, eg ‘That body lying in front of my car was there when I got here, officer, and coincidentally I’ve just hit a deer which ran off, and what a singular hat you’ve got, and may I have a go of the blue lights? Why are you handcuffing me?’

Have no f**king shame whatsoever

Claim ‘there’s no press here’ to camera. Claim Jo Cox wanted a no-deal Brexit. Claim nobody wants an election then demand one the following night. Try this at work by stealing money, being caught on camera stealing money and then volunteering to chair a vigilante taskforce to catch the culprit. See how it goes.