Five hideous alcoholic concoctions you drank to get wankered in the 90s

FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.

Carlsberg Special Brew

Cloyingly sweet and sickly, but by God it did the job, unsurprising as it was nearly 10 per cent proof. Actually brewed as a gift to Winston Churchill from the Danes, but more associated with pissing yourself on a park bench than WW2 these days.

Snakebite

Well, why not not mix cheap lager and cider in a pint glass? Blackcurrant cordial also made it a spooky-looking drink popular with goths. Best combined with a late-night kebab dripping in grease and hot chilli sauce to ensure spending the following day camped on the toilet with a hefty dose of the green apple splatters.

Tequila slammers

Tasted like shit but got you bladdered at the speed of light. Invariably accompanied with the equally disgusting combination of salt and a sliver of lime to suck, purely to avert the danger of actually tasting the tequila – which is not surprising given it’s made from bloody cactuses.

Scrumpy Jack

This gut-destroying, cloudy slop enjoyed brief commercial popularity before only being consumed by scary local park drinkers. Regular consumption resulted in most of your teeth falling out and developing a sexual attraction to your cousin.

Your dad’s home brew

You’re a broke student and there’s no way you are going to pay expensive bar prices to get legless so why not kick your evening off by sneaking off to the shed and siphoning some of the old man’s still-fermenting amateur beer? Best swallowed quickly to avoid tasting it, but it did explain why you suddenly shat yourself three hours later in the taxi on the way to a nightclub.

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The incredibly hot people you never got off with and still yearn for today

FROM your fit maths teacher to your cute former boss, there are certain people it was never going to happen with. Join us on a nostalgic journey of sexual regret.

Teachers

Having sex with a teacher is obviously illegal and leads to Bad Consequences. Nonetheless, here are the ones you fancied:

Hot female maths teacher

How did lovely Ms Stevenson come to be teaching in a comp in the North instead of earning millions on the Paris catwalks? However she was very nice and patiently taught you cosines.

Hot environmental studies teacher

The male equivalent of Ms Stevenson, Mr Galbraith was fancied by all the girls due to his good looks and occasional digressions into music he liked. He was only actually 24, but seemed incredibly grown-up and wise. 

Cooler students than you

When you arrive at uni aged 18 there will inevitably be more mature and cooler students than you. Such as:

Worldly chick

She was very upper-middle class and spent six months in Thailand doing interesting things like Buddhism and opium. Your teenage years were spent at shit parties drinking Skol. She’s now a highly paid investment banker so if you’d ever got it together you’d never have to work again.

Student radical bloke 

Student politicos tend to be abject wankers, but the odd one is genuinely committed and decent. They also wore cool leather jackets. What this guy is up to now is anyone’s guess – he could be a spad or a deeply embittered supply teacher. Still sexy, though.

Very good looking person in a bar

More a fantasy scenario, since you (A) stood no chance with someone way out of your league, and (B) they might have been an utter twat. But here are the random strangers you still carry a minor torch for: 

Woman who looked a bit like Debbie Harry

Who could not be attracted to Debbie Harry? However, even if you exchanged a few amusing words at the bar, it’s not really a basis for a relationship. Due to not actually knowing her, she might have been into Wicca, eating roadkill or something equally relationship-breaking. 

Man who looked a bit like Jim Morrison

Your heart probably melted over his lovely locks and impressive cheekbones. However you’re probably well out of it because if you’re that good-looking you’re bound to be a dreadful narcissist with a tedious range of male hair-care products.

Potential workplace shag

Amid the endless parade of arseholes you have to work with, there is the occasional really nice one. Who you won’t get to shag.

Attractive female boss

Workplace competence can be strangely attractive, especially if combined with nice hair. Unfortunately a properly successful female boss will already be going out with a successful high-achiever, unlike a troglodyte like you who can’t add up the invoices properly.

Attractive male line manager

Same problem applies. While charming company and a nice person, he is deeply settled with a beautiful woman and a lovely family. They go sailing to Greece together, the heartless bastards.