GOING vegetarian is good for the planet and does wonders for your sense of self-righteousness. Here’s what you’ll receive when you make the switch.
Abuse from meat eaters
Your new lifestyle will be taken personally by people who still graze on cows and pigs, so be prepared for some light-hearted jibes to come your way. Instead of letting their words roll off your ethically superior back, fight fire with fire and call them murderers. This will definitely make them change their cruel opinions.
A thank-you note from the animal kingdom
Once the last chunk of meat vacates your body, a note of thanks from the animal kingdom will drop through your letterbox. It’ll be indecipherable of course because they can’t hold a pencil and don’t know how to write, but it’s the thought that counts.
Permission to live however you want
Ditching meat is the best way a person can reduce their carbon footprint, meaning you can do whatever the f**k you want now, completely guilt-free. Nine long-haul flights a year? Knock yourself out. Don’t want to rinse plates before you put them in the dishwasher? You’ve earned that privilege. Greta Thunberg probably has a poster of you on her wall.
Your new diet of beans and more beans will leave you bent double with trapped gas. Before long you’ll be letting rip constantly and creating a horrendous stink, which will take the shine off your high and mighty attitude somewhat. Much to the relief of everyone you know.
A packet of bacon rashers
Everyone says bacon is the food that will make you fall off the veggie wagon, so keep some in the fridge to build up your self-discipline. You could even try frying some in a pan to test your endurance, and maybe take a little nibble just to check that you definitely don’t miss it. How else are you supposed to know?