The smug 'I've just gone vegetarian' starter pack: What's inside?

GOING vegetarian is good for the planet and does wonders for your sense of self-righteousness. Here’s what you’ll receive when you make the switch.

Abuse from meat eaters

Your new lifestyle will be taken personally by people who still graze on cows and pigs, so be prepared for some light-hearted jibes to come your way. Instead of letting their words roll off your ethically superior back, fight fire with fire and call them murderers. This will definitely make them change their cruel opinions.

A thank-you note from the animal kingdom

Once the last chunk of meat vacates your body, a note of thanks from the animal kingdom will drop through your letterbox. It’ll be indecipherable of course because they can’t hold a pencil and don’t know how to write, but it’s the thought that counts. 

Permission to live however you want

Ditching meat is the best way a person can reduce their carbon footprint, meaning you can do whatever the f**k you want now, completely guilt-free. Nine long-haul flights a year? Knock yourself out. Don’t want to rinse plates before you put them in the dishwasher? You’ve earned that privilege. Greta Thunberg probably has a poster of you on her wall.

Chronic flatulence

Your new diet of beans and more beans will leave you bent double with trapped gas. Before long you’ll be letting rip constantly and creating a horrendous stink, which will take the shine off your high and mighty attitude somewhat. Much to the relief of everyone you know.

A packet of bacon rashers

Everyone says bacon is the food that will make you fall off the veggie wagon, so keep some in the fridge to build up your self-discipline. You could even try frying some in a pan to test your endurance, and maybe take a little nibble just to check that you definitely don’t miss it. How else are you supposed to know?

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Golden Balls and other demented TV game shows you'd forgotten about

GAME shows don’t always reach the lofty heights of Bullseye or Play Your Cards Right. Some were even shitter than that. There’s a reason you’ve forgotten them, but we’re here to remind you anyway.

Golden Balls

Despite running for only two years, this absolutely mental game show – in which everything is gold and ball-shaped, including host Jasper Carrott’s massive head – had an outsized influence on shit TV everywhere. A game that involves lying about your balls should be a lot more fun and a lot less tedious.

Red or Black

Hosted by Ant and Dec, chock-full of crazy stunts like Evel Knievel motorcycle jumps and giving away £1 million a night – and still insanely shite. The key to a game show is you being able to imagine being on there and doing better than the mugs they’ve got on, but how the f**k do you do that with a game purely based on picking between two colours?

Hole in The Wall

Everyone talked about this stupid show while it was on but in the intervening years we’ve largely forgotten about the primetime programme where minor celebrities would have to contort into the shape of a weirdly shaped orifice or risk… falling into some water.

The 24-Hour Quiz Show

Sartre’s vision of hell was something like this – a never-ending Big Brother rip-off where the contestants also answer questions for the chance to win an incredible £1 a pop. No jeopardy, no intrigue, just Shaun Williamson staring at a box filled with trivia wankers for 16 hours a day.

You’re Back In The Room

This hilariously short-lived ITV game show involved celebrity contestants competing to win challenges, having just been ‘hypnotised’ into believing they were a T-Rex or some shite. Definitely makes sense, definitely doesn’t sound or look completely fake at all. What the hell was Schofield thinking?