Five lockdown cocktail ideas if you're completely f**king desperate

NEED a stiff drink but have nothing to hand as the next supermarket delivery slot is March 2021? Here are some emergency cocktails you can create with odd items you’ll find kicking about the house.

DIY Mojito

White rum, mint, lime and soda is a big ask when the cupboards are bare. Instead, grab your cocktail shaker and add a slug of white spirit, a tablespoon of sugar, another of mint sauce and top up with tap water. It’ll give you a lovely buzz, until you go blind.

Bloody Hideous Mary

Tomato juice, Tabasco and a stick of celery? No chance. Instead, mush up a tin of plum tomatoes, sprinkle with cayenne pepper and garnish with anything remotely green from the fridge, including mould. Add vodka until you stop crying.

Pornstar Martini

A Pornstar Martini is usually passion fruit and vodka topped up with champagne, but that’s far too elaborate for lockdown. Instead, pour the dregs from every bottle in your booze cupboard into your fanciest glass, stir, and sip slowly whilst watching Debbie Does Dallas.

Builder’s Iced Tea

A Long Island Iced Tea requires vodka, rum, gin and tequila, which is clearly out of the question. Instead, fill a mug with whatever booze you have to hand and chuck a tea bag in. Wait 20 minutes until it tastes really horrible, then serve over ice you’ve chipped off the back of your freezer.

Deconstructed Pina Colada

Once considered a bit naff, this refreshing blend of pineapple, coconut and rum has made a real comeback. Sadly, you won’t be able to get any of those items at the corner shop, so improvise with a can of Lilt, a Bounty and some lighter fluid. Add a cocktail umbrella for a fun kitsch touch before quickly passing out.

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Woman admits she loves constantly reminding husband to do things

A WOMAN has confessed that she gets a kick out of having to nag her husband because it makes her feel incredibly horny.

Lauren Hewitt says she has been asking her husband to replenish the toilet roll holder when it runs out for the entirety of their six-year marriage simply because it gets her off.

Hewitt said: “What I find the most sexy about Josh is that he’s incapable of doing anything around the house without me asking him a dozen times.

“It’s important to work at a relationship and Josh puts in a huge amount of effort at being a lazy, half-witted imbecile, which I find incredibly attractive.

“I can’t wait for the thrill of reminding him that maybe he could put his socks in the dirty clothes basket, or suggest it might be nice if he took the kids to the f**king park this weekend.”

Joshua Hewitt said: “It’s weird that Lauren says me doing bugger all around the house makes her horny, because she never seems to want to have sex with me. I’m starting to suspect she’s being sarcastic.”