HAVE you been driven to using weird euphemisms for sex by an emotionally-stifled middle class upbringing? Stop using the following phrases immediately:
A word completely devoid of any sexual dignity. ‘Bonking’ is the noise made by Timmy Mallet hitting someone over the head with a large rubber hammer. There is a reason that, in pornography, you will rarely, if ever, hear anyone utter the phrase, ‘bonk me harder’.
Have Relations With
The most stiffly formal phrase for sex imaginable, and for some reason the go-to of every uncomfortable middle class father struggling through a vaguely bawdy anecdote. Typically used in newspaper reports of royal affairs, it somehow always implies that the sex was underwhelming.
An oddly childish phrase for what is an exclusively adult act, ‘hanky panky’ is used by prurient curtain twitchers who suspect the woman over the road of having it with the milkman, when in fact it is a legitimate handover of dairy products. The user of this word does not get any themselves.
Do The Business
Thanks to your deeply repressed upbringing in a white-collar home, you now view sex as some kind of commercial transaction. Nothing will get your prospective partner in the mood quite like suggesting the raw animal sex they’re expecting has been carefully planned using an Excel spreadsheet.
How’s Your Father
Looking to instantly sour any sexually intimate moment? Then why not use a phrase that will make you think of one of your parents? It seems a near guarantee that anyone who has ever asked for some ‘how’s your father’ has ended up spending the night crying alone.