Saturday, 5th December 2020

What kind of winter hat wanker are you?

ARE you a fun-loving bobble-hat person or do you prefer to look like someone who murders deer in the woods? Find out what your winter hat says about you.


Bobble-hat wearers believe that they are cute and fun because they have a stupid pom-pom on their heads. And the bigger the bobble the more ‘fun’ they are. Well, they think they’re fun. Everyone else thinks they’re childish twats.

Double bobble-hat 

Similar to the bobble hat wearer but twice as bad, a person with two bobbles on their head is so desperate to be quirky that you can spot them from several metres away. Luckily this makes them easy to avoid.

Trapper hat 

Wow, did this guy skin a rabbit to make his own hat after becoming lost on a freezing moor during a deer hunting weekend in Scotland? No, it’s just Dave from IT after a trip to Top Man. He will try to convince you he made it himself though, and then creepily ask you out on a date.

Beanie hat 

The beanie hat wearer wants to appear kind of edgy, like they smoke a bit of weed at the weekend. Sadly, this look has been hijacked by Dominic Cummings and is now indelibly associated with being an oddball who thinks a 50-mile drive is the same thing as an eye test.

Flat cap 

Flat cap wearers like to think they are giving off a cool Peaky Blinders vibe when in reality they look more like Del Boy. Winter gives them the perfect opportunity to show how trendy they are, by dressing up like a Brummie gangster from the inter-war years. More fool them because their ears are in no way covered.