LOOKING forward to a pint after work? Steady on. If you detect any of these warning signs, the odds are not in your favour:
Your friends aren’t around
A quick message of ‘pint?’ on the group chat usually gets a flurry of responses like ‘f**k yes’ and ‘where/when?’ If this isn’t the case, panic. Start working your way down your friends in order of preference, even offering to buy the first round if you’re desperate. You’re not above going on your own but people judge.
You have plans
You want nothing more than a couple of hours in a quiet pub sinking pints, but you’re out with your girlfriend this evening for an anniversary meal before heading home for a celebratory shag. Christ, your life is shit. Why can’t you be a loner with nothing better to do than prop up the bar?
Work’s overrunning
You’ve been slammed at the office today, meaning you’re going to have to stay late to catch up. Admittedly you’re behind because you’ve spent hours daydreaming about IPAs and dry-roasted nuts instead of working, but come on. Once it gets to 5pm you’re working on pub time.
You don’t have any money
Sadly pubs are opposed to dishing out drinks for free, even to regulars. They insist you purchase them with the one thing you don’t have: money. Offering them your watch doesn’t work even though it’s a 1982 Casio given to you by your father and worth £15 easily. It’s not the same drinking Asda Smart Price Bitter, even if it is £1 for four cans.
You’ve already been for eight days on the trot
You’ve been to the pub every evening for more than a week, which is why you’re skint, none of your friends are interested and your professional life is suffering. Your liver and your bank account will thank you for a day off. Numb your agitated brain with the next best thing: telly.
