HAVE you started having alcohol-free nights for the sake of your health and waistline? Here’s how to make it through these grim evenings from Hell.
Practise being bored
Build up to an alcohol-free evening with regular boring activities such as playing tiddlywinks or pontoon, or a film that is superficially exciting but actually grindingly dull, like most of the Fast & Furious series.
Consider dumping your partner
You might discover you only get on with your partner because you’re both p*ssed every night. If you suspect this is the case, try to have someone new in place before your no-booze evening. Who knows, your kids may even grow to love ‘Sober Less-Emotional Mummy’?
Drink enough in the afternoon to see you through the evening
Alcohol leaves your system quickly when you don’t want it to, so you’ll need to start caning it at about 3pm. Drinking a bottle of vodka at your desk used to be frowned upon, but modern bosses are more understanding because they’ve probably been through a dry night too.
Knock yourself unconscious
If the tedium of not drinking is too much, simply knock yourself out cleanly with a punch to the face or a blow to the head with a piece of wood. This always works in films, and in the morning you’ll be right as rain after shaking your head confusedly a few times.
Find something incredibly exciting to do
Get a tech-savvy friend to build a large, complex bomb and handcuff you and your partner to it. Deciding which wire to cut will be incredibly exciting and a lovely bonding experience. Just don’t be tempted to race to Sainsbury’s at 10.50pm for a celebratory few bottles of Merlot.