‘Get pissed every night’ ad campaign subtitled ‘Enjoy alcohol responsibly’

A NEW campaign encouraging Britons to spend every night of the week getting hammered also advises them to enjoy alcohol responsibly. 

The advertisements which run across television, radio, and the internet, suggests to Britons that the answer to all their problems can be found in a bottle, with a single caveat.

A spokesman for the boozing industry said: “For God’s sake enjoy alcohol responsibly.

“But that said, as long as you’re enjoying alcohol responsibly why not enjoy it a lot more? Like daily?

“There’s nothing wrong with drinking every night as long as you stick to that simple guideline, or even in the day if you fancy it. Everyone used to in the 1970s.

“Get smashed as often as you like. A swig in the morning can really smooth the edge off the day. But never, ever, drink irresponsibly.”

The development follows the gambling industry’s ‘When the fun stops, stop’ campaign, which has seen millions leave delightful high street bookmakers when the laughter and merriment finally dies down.

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Woman thinks she has automatic right to see anyone’s new kitchen

A WOMAN believes she has the God-given right to see any new kitchen that has been installed even if she barely knows the householders in question.

Carolyn Ryan, from Nottingham, has demanded access to the newly-fitted kitchens of neighbours, relatives of friends and is currently negotiating a visit to the home of a workmate she had previously spoken to twice.

She said: “Well I’m thinking about a new kitchen – we’ve had this one 18 months – so I need to look for ideas.

“It’s not like they mind. Why would they mind? What’s the point in having a new kitchen fitted if you don’t let people see it?

“Angie at my old work, who was eating her dinner when I popped in, she’s had walnut units and an induction hob. Whereas Cath, from school – but we’re Facebook friends –  has gloss white units and an island she hasn’t really got the room for.

“My cousin Kerry in Southampton’s having one fitted now with one of those boiling water taps. I haven’t seen her since we were 13 but it’s time we made the effort.”

Nathan Muir, from nearby Plumtree, said: “Er, darling, there’s a woman in our kitchen. Apparently you were chatting in the queue at Tesco and she followed you home.”