Government launches 'Get Shitfaced at 11am to Help Out' scheme

THE government has countered its pub curfew by launching the ‘Get Shitfaced at 10am to Help Out’ scheme to support hostelries. 

As pubs claim they will suffer financially from being forced to close an hour early, citizens are being urged to get on the beers straight after breakfast to save the economy.

Business secretary Alok Sharma said: “We’re calling on the nation to come together and do what it does best: get pissed.

“We’ll show coronavirus that it can’t bring the alcohol-fuelled British economy to a halt just by threatening to kill us.

“We’re going to carry on pouring money into Wetherspoons’ tills by getting bevved up in an enclosed space, regardless of curfews, public health guidance and basic common sense. Just earlier in the day.”

The new scheme will foot half the bill for any Briton who downs eight units between 11am and 12pm, and provide an informative leaflet on how to hide drunkeness on afternoon video calls with the boss.

Sharma continued: “Do your patriotic duty and get pissed. This has nothing to do with us wanting you hammered enough not to notice how bad we are at running the country.”

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How to tell the difference between Keir Starmer and a Tory

PATRIOTISM, family, security: Starmer’s version of Labour sounds well Tory. Here’s how to spot the difference: 

He likes the colour red

Given Starmer’s new enthusiasm for patriotism, anyone listening to his speeches could be forgiven for thinking they were listening to a hardcore Brexiter. If you’re confused, look for red as a sign you aren’t accidentally watching the Conservative party conference.

He’s not in power

Whilst Starmer has started saying things that could feasibly have come from the mouth of Boris Johnson, he doesn’t actually get to make any decisions. Which is unfortunate because if we’re going to slide ever further into hell, it would be nice not to be led there by a straw-haired clown.

He’s surrounded by fewer lunatics

The majority of Labour MPs come over as tolerably normal people, rather than raging narcissistic nutbags convinced that by opposing the EU they fought at Agincourt, Waterloo and the Battle of Britain. However, he does keep a few Corbynites on staff, just for the contrast.

He’s wobbly on Brexit

Although Sir Keir is now pretending to be totally cool with Brexit he still feels there are serious issues with its execution, like a traitor would. Red Wall voters, who care about Brexit to the exclusion of all other issues according to journalists who’ve neither met them or visited their towns, should be cautious.

He’ll say ‘Jeremy who?’

Tories will bang on about Jeremy Corbyn for the next century until he’s no more than a terrifying fable to scare children with. But Starmer would prefer you to forget he ever existed alongside other things often associated with Labour, like socialism.