Sunday, 1st November 2020

Government launches 'Get Shitfaced at 11am to Help Out' scheme

THE government has countered its pub curfew by launching the ‘Get Shitfaced at 10am to Help Out’ scheme to support hostelries. 

As pubs claim they will suffer financially from being forced to close an hour early, citizens are being urged to get on the beers straight after breakfast to save the economy.

Business secretary Alok Sharma said: “We’re calling on the nation to come together and do what it does best: get pissed.

“We’ll show coronavirus that it can’t bring the alcohol-fuelled British economy to a halt just by threatening to kill us.

“We’re going to carry on pouring money into Wetherspoons’ tills by getting bevved up in an enclosed space, regardless of curfews, public health guidance and basic common sense. Just earlier in the day.”

The new scheme will foot half the bill for any Briton who downs eight units between 11am and 12pm, and provide an informative leaflet on how to hide drunkeness on afternoon video calls with the boss.

Sharma continued: “Do your patriotic duty and get pissed. This has nothing to do with us wanting you hammered enough not to notice how bad we are at running the country.”