Grandparents chuckle heartily at suggestion they do Dry January

A PAIR of grandparents who it was suggested could try Dry January and started crying with laughter, it has emerged.

Retired couple Roy and Rita Hobbs fell about in patronising hysterics after their granddaughter Emma sincerely suggested they give up the one vice they can still safely enjoy in their seventies.

Mr Hobbs said: “We were pissed when she floated the idea, which made it even funnier. Then we clinked our glasses and said ‘yeah, we’ll think about it.’ I don’t remember much after that.”

Grandmother Rita said: “What does she think we’re still clinging on to life for? A bus pass and a shingles vaccination? Sorry sweetheart, we’re only hanging around to enjoy a balanced diet of excess booze.

“Getting shitfaced is all old people do. If we’re going for a countryside walk we make sure to bring a Thermos full of sherry, and the main reason we go to church is for the wine. It’s not like we need to stay sober for work in the morning.

“We might not make it to February anyway, so we might as well live a little while we can. We can’t go skydiving or bungee jumping. Necking a few brandies before midday is as good as it gets at our age.”

Granddaughter Emma said: “Okay, point taken. But I thought they were going to explode when I asked them about Veganuary.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ten festive things to try shoving up yourself this Christmas

BORED over the festive period? Also horny and transgressive? You can only penetrate yourself with these once a year: 

A bauble

With so many on the tree, nobody will miss just one. And they come in such seductively varied shapes and sizes. Avoid antique ones made of glass or God forbid mercury, or you’ll end up in A&E behind six other people who’ve done the same.

A candle

Needs to be cinnamon-and-clementine scented to count. Come in different sizes to accommodate all orifices. Lighting the wick is optional.

A Terry’s Chocolate Orange

Lying about everywhere during this period, you can post in segments one-by-one or shove it up whole. Remove from the box first. Break it by twerking then offer everyone a bit.

A bottle of Baileys

The rest of the year you’re slotting wine bottles, so Baileys makes a lovely change. With its sleek long neck, it’s begging you to. Try it over ice for an entirely different experience.

A Christingle

Worried your festive insertion isn’t religious enough? A Christingle is the perfect solution. Combines both a candle and an orange for a festive feeling you won’t forget. Watch for cocktail sticks with dolly mixtures on. They hurt.

A turkey crown

Got a spare? Switch up and make the turkey itself the stuffing this year. For a vegan alternative, try a nut roast up your nether regions. Serve warm but allow to cool.

A cracker

Stick one end up, clench and let a partner pull the other! Ensure the loved one is a sexual partner and not an unsuspecting family member. Be careful with the tiny plastic toys; they are so easily lost.


Like a magician pulling handkerchiefs from a pocket, you too can bring joy and wonder to a Christmas party by expelling fifteen feet of tinsel from inside yourself. Plus the texture is wonderfully exfoliating.

A Yule log

Best of the Christmas desserts and a sure crowd pleaser. Covered in chocolate ganache so guaranteed to slide in easily. Looks like any normal movement coming out.

A Christmas tree

Go big or go home. Combine baubles, tinsel and candles on a decorated tree for heightened fun. Opt for plastic or the authenticity of a real, live tree. May kill you.