Auntie's character still accelerating into wall four days after end of family Mario Kart tournament

AN aunt’s Mario Kart character is still doggedly accelerating into a wall four days after the rest of the family put down their controllers.

Princess Peach, controlled by Donna Sheridan, remains stuck against a barrier on the first turn of the Royal Raceway course with zero chance of a comeback at this very late stage.

Sheridan was unable to work out how to steer the cartoon go-kart, despite having driven real cars for over 30 years and Mario Kart being suitable for players as young as three.

She said: “I thought I was winning, but then my nephew Liam said I was looking at the wrong part of the screen, and my car was the one in the bottom right-hand corner.

I told him the Nintendo must have made a mistake, but eventually I had to accept that Princess Peach was a little bit stuck. Who invents a game where nobody can tell what’s going on? That’s just stupid.” 

Her six-year-old niece Lucy said: “It’s embarrassing. You turn by pushing the joystick left or right. How is that hard? How does Auntie Donna hold down a job?”

Despite annoyingly receiving every possible power up and successfully blue-shelling the leader just by mashing the controls at random, Sheridan remains in last place.

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Putting the empty Celebrations wrappers back in the tub, and other Christmas microaggressions

PISSED off after putting your hand in the Celebrations tub only to find empty wrappers and Bountys left? You’ll have experienced these other minor Christmas hostilities too:

The kids waking you up by trying to be quiet

Their stage-whispers of ‘BE QUIET!’ on the landing are much louder than their usual routine of scampering downstairs and putting the telly on. It’s 4.47am and the day is off to a bad start. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

Someone putting whisky in your first coffee

‘But it’s Christmas!’ isn’t an excuse you’ll accept for your brother spiking your first beverage of the day with a healthy glug of Bells. It’s just set you up for being hammered by 1pm, argumentative by 3pm and asleep by 5pm.

Ripping open lovingly wrapped gifts

You spent hours making the ribbon curly with scissors and they didn’t even glance at it as they tore their gifts open. Ungrateful bastards.

Taking the piss out of dad’s Christmas dinner timings spreadsheet

It’s traditional to mock dad’s obsessiveness over timing and getting the turkey in the oven down to the second. Just as it’s traditional for him to tell you to sod off and go and smoke a fag in the garage.

Unwrapping the bacon from a pig-in-blanket

Your sister destroying the best bit of Christmas dinner because ‘sausages are made from arseholes’ would quickly escalate into a fist fight if your mum wasn’t there. She should give them to you if they’re that offensive.

Gran asking about your love life

Is it nice she’s showing an interest? Or is her suggestion that you’re ‘more on the shelf than that stupid elf’ just a way for her to entertain herself before the King’s speech is on? Hard to say.

Putting the empty Celebrations wrappers back in the tub

‘F**k’s sake’, you mutter to yourself as you swish your hand through a tub of empty wrappers and emerge with a bloody Bounty. You’ve pretty much had it with Christmas by now.

Having your film choice refused and mocked

You suggest Edward Scissorhands and get called a miserable git. So you suggest Toy Story 4 and get called a sentimental wet wipe. The kids win as usual and you suffer through Elf for the millionth time. And your mum refuses to let you leave the room and do something else because ‘it’s Christmas’.

Finishing the last bottle of red wine

Time for revenge. You get the last laugh as you’ve just emptied the remaining bottle of nice red, leaving everyone else to get drunk on the horrible acidic white and Baileys. Serves them right, the passive aggressive pricks.